Please Help Me Improve What I Say to Her

Fletcher921’s daughter uses meth and opioids, and was recently suspended from her job. She showed her mother the suspension letter from her employer — an act of real trust. Her mother put effort and heart into her reply, but wants to do even better next time. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall reflects on how CRAFT could help in this effort, and the possible benefits for daughter and mother alike.

I am wondering how I could have better responded to an email from my daughter (36 year old). She was complaining because Lyft suspended her driving privileges due to two complaints of driving under the influence and then one after she ran out of gas. She uses meth and opiates and behaves as if no one knows. She has struggled for 20 years and has tried many rehabs, etc., mainly at our insistence.  

My first response (when she forwarded the letter from Lyft) was: “Wow, honey. Hmm. I don’t really know how to respond to that. How does that make you feel? Any ideas on what to do next? I love you. Mom.”

She responded: “Ya, I want to send them a letter stating that this isn’t fair. They never tested me. How can they go off some random individual? They could have had it against me for some reason.”

So I responded: “Girl, Hmm. I bet it doesn’t seem fair, especially after all this time. But since they have had complaints over a long period of driving (last year, this July, and then maybe the running out of gas incident) you can’t blame them for being concerned. They might just see a pattern and be worried about their liability. Better yet, maybe look at why the individuals might have reported you? Have you ever driven under the influence? It is too bad because it was a nice, pretty easy way to make some $$. You could try writing them a letter. Have you thought about what you would say in your defense? I bet it would be more well-received and maybe might reconsider their position if you could show that you have completed some sort of recovery program. Loves – Mom”

 I know there was a better way to respond and I need to hear it. Thank you.

Hi Fletcher921,

I hear the frustration in your second response to your daughter. I can also clearly see that you have been focused on learning new CRAFT skills to try to communicate in ways that might get her to think about her actions. All good stuff.

Your agenda, their faults: two key things to avoid

First, I would like to outline two points to keep in mind whenever “CRAFTing” (a little pun there!) a written response:

1. In all communication, the more you leave your agenda out of it, the better. To judge whether or not I’m throwing my own stuff in the mix, I ask myself some questions. Am I saying this because I want a particular behavioral result out of my Loved One (LO)? Is what I am saying right now about trying to get them to see things in a particular way or to drive a point home?If the answer is yes, then I have an agenda. I am trying to manipulate the situation to convince my LO to behave as I want them to, or at least to acknowledge that their behavior is a problem. Which is tough to do for anyone. Admitting you did something bad or negative leads to feelings of self-shame and blame, which most of us want to avoid at all costs. Remember, communication strategies are about building on your relationship with your LO and finding ways to get them to think on their own. Their issues around substance use are their problem to solve, not yours.

Your first response was spot on by these criteria. Short, reflective, empathetic, and it let her know that the problem was something she had to solve.

2. Resist the urge to comment on and point out the LO’s faults. I often hear from family members that they are not sure their LO is aware of their own contributions to a difficult situation. They feel the need to tell them. They feel that otherwise, their LO might not or won’t understand what happened—and if they don’t understand, how can they make it better in the future?It’s a safe bet that a LO knows their own faults; they’re just not saying so. It can be difficult to admit our negative behaviors. It’s much easier just to point to other reasons why things did not go well. When my kids were in high school, they would come home and tell me how they had been wronged in a situation. I would remind myself that they were not going to tell me what their own contribution was. This would help me to sit back, listen, and just gather information. I would often ask them, “Do you want me to get involved?” If so, they would have to tell me their part. More times than not, they told me they would deal with it themselves. I would then reassure them that I was there if they needed me. Turns out they just needed to share and process what had happened and then learn to deal with life in their own way.

Module 4 (How Do I Talk to My Loved One?) outlines the basic skills you could use to construct a response that will be understanding and encourage your daughter to find her own solutions to her problem. Here is what your second response could sound like if rewritten:

Girl, Hmmm. I bet it doesn’t seem fair, especially after all this. You could try writing them a letter. Looking for feedback from them would be a positive thing to do. It might not change things, but it could give perspective for the next time you have a job, and it also could give you the opportunity to have your say about what happened. Let me know how it goes. Loves – Mom

This response is short, supportive, and allows your LO to have:

• Their own solution to their problem. It points to her attempt at finding a way to resolve the issue for herself by encouraging her to write a letter.
• Natural consequences. If Lyft replies, they will comment on the complaints and why they had to let her go.
• Mom asa comfortable place to share.

She may or may not write a letter to Lyft. Either way, it’s her choice, and she’s handling it in her own way no matter the result. You can always go back later and ask what she decided to do and how it turned out. Then add an encouraging statement: “Sounds like you did what works for you and now you’re moving forward.”

It’s hard to hold yourself back. Sometimes, it’s also vital.

Module 4 will help you to script future text/email messages with your daughter. You already have a great foundation to start with. I know it’s extremely tempting for us family members to get in there with our own ideas and thoughts (we just love them so damn much). And after all, we do have lots of life experience to share. All this makes it difficult to sit back and let the LO take hold of their own life-reins. But once we start this process, we are really empowering our LOs to be in control of their own journey. Isn’t that the true goal anyway

I hope this response helps inspire you to get creative and challenge yourself to hone your CRAFT communication skills. Both of your responses to your daughter make it clear that you are an incredibly loving mom who wants to support her in any way possible. Keep us updated. And remember, you are not alone on this journey.