This article from the Center for Motivation & Change (CMC) addresses communicating with your Loved One when they are lying to you. Read it here.
You might also like to check out these recent blog posts on "Lying," written by our Coming Up for Air hosts, Laurie MacDougall and Annie Highwater:
Your Nose is as Long as a Telephone Wire! (Laurie)
Liar Liar Pants on Fire! The Logic and Effects of Lying (Annie)
In your comments, please show respect for each other and do not give advice. Please consider that your choice of words has the power to reduce stigma and change opinions (ie, "person struggling with substance use" vs. "addict", "use" vs. "abuse"...)
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It does help to think about the motivation behind the lie. I have loved my husband for a long time and he has a habit of lying since long before his addiction and it is what helped him survive his childhood. I know he doesn’t want the consequence of the behavior, but the fact that he lies about it so regularly seem so ridiculous. When he can’t walk, does he think I believe he hasn’t been drinking? Seriously. I tend to go with the fact that I don’t really need honesty when he is in the middle of the bad behavior and I try to wait until he is in a more sober/honest space to talk. That being said, it is all maddening!
Thank you for this excellent post. Being lied to is infuriating, but you have helped me to better understand the motivations behind it (in short, not to hurt, but to protect and to avoid conflict). Lately, I have been telling my daughter how much I appreciate when she tells me the truth–particularly about things she knows I am not happy about (like her relationship with a sketchy boyfriend). I tell her I’d rather have an honest relationship with her than one in which she feels the need to lie, omit or conceal truth. Even though she knows how I feel about her involvement with the guy, I try to emphasize my lack of power to influence her decisions, but that I appreciate her honesty. In my experience, once lying starts, it escalates. I appreciate the advice (from the link to the Center for Motivation and Change) to understand your goal in probing: it begs the question of ‘do I really need to know?”
Hi Millicent,
I really appreciate your feedback. We feel the same and sometimes it can be frustrating when our Loved Ones lie but understanding the deeper meaning and causes can help us navigate through. It is nice to hear from someone that is finding even just a little piece of peace from Annie’s and my blogs.
Again, thank you for your response. Remember you are not alone!!
Laurie