I’ve Been at This for 30 Years. Can You Help Me Live With That?

Photo credit: Ron Lach

We can’t read member Nanny’s letter below and not feel moved: she’s been a trooper for so long in the life of her grown daughter, and things are still hard and uncertain. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall knows there’s no “magic button” out there to reset a life. But with warmth and compassion, she urges Nanny to stay the course with CRAFT and all it offers—both for her daughter and for herself.

I think this will not help me! I want it too! My daughter is 52 years old, which means I am old and have put up with all this for over 30 years! I admit I have enabled for years! I am sure that it doesn’t matter! I have not helped her, but you know what? I have had it! I am at the end of my rope!!! I can’t do this anymore, I am 73 years old! I want to leave this earth knowing my daughter is safe! But it’s not going to happen. So tell me how to live the rest of my life OK? I bet you can’t.

Hi Nanny,

You’re absolutely right! Unfortunately, I cannot tell you how to live life free from worry and angst. From one momma to another, I wish with all my heart that I could. I too am so familiar with the angst caused by fear, frustration, chaos, and anger brought on by addiction and all the difficult behaviors that come along with it—all while still maintaining a huge amount of love. I have often fantasized about those red Staples buttons in the commercials: if I could get my hands on one and just press it, making all this whirlwind of struggle go away….

We get it. Boy, do we get it.

I know that all of us on the Allies in Recovery website truly understand these feelings of desperation and hopelessness. It may not make them go away, but it might be comforting to know that we, as a community, feel with you and are wrapping our imaginary arms around you so you know we all care.

I’m going to share a pivotal moment in my life that helped me decide what was most important to me and my family when dealing with my son and his addiction. I hope it might help just a little with your journey too.

My son was on the streets of Florida, stuck in the patient-brokering system, when he called home and told me he was not going to make it if we left him there. He wanted us to let him come home. I had really dug deep to try to consider all the possible outcomes, whether we refused or let him return home for about the 11th time. You see, I was already resigned to the idea that he wasn’t going to make it, and that I would get that dreaded call sometime soon.

Facing the worst-case scenario

So, I weighed everything: if we refuse to let him come home, what if he passes? Then I’ll feel like I should have let him come home and given him a chance. I’ll feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, that it’s my fault, that I should have done something more. But what if we let him come home and he passes here? That’s also a possibility.

Well, you know what? If that happened, I would again feel overwhelming guilt and blame. So, I decided to choose what would work for me. I let him come home. I thought that if he passed, I’d want him to be somewhere where he knew he was loved and that I’d done my best.

But I didn’t just let him come home without boundaries or a plan in place. I had recently discovered CRAFT and the Allies in Recovery website and started to implement all that I was learning.

The point of this story is not to tell you (or anyone) whether to let your Loved One (LO) come home or not. Everyone has to make their decisions based on their experience and what they can and cannot live with. The real reason for sharing this story is to let you know I truly understand the soul-searching we family members must do in order to endure the fears, love, and chaos of our Loved Ones’ addictions. I’d also like to share a few things that helped me start to change my mindset and move away from always being in that deep, dark hole, feeling like I couldn’t find my way out:

Radical Acceptance: I had heard about radical acceptance, which could be defined as completely accepting things as they are right now, in the moment, and not trying to change what is. Attempting radical acceptance doesn’t mean liking the circumstances—I despised many of my own, in fact. But I learned to work towards accepting wherever and whatever journey my son was on in that moment. I had to radically accept that I might not have the ability to keep my Loved One safe in the long term. In the short term, there were times when I could, but in the long term, it had to be my Loved One’s responsibility. The way I could contribute to their safety was to encourage them to learn ways of caring for themselves. And that might not work either.

Calming and Regulating My Own System: I had to learn to calm and regulate my own system, to respond to the chaotic moments with intention rather than merely react.

Communicating to Encourage Change: Skillful, empathetic communication really is a way to encourage change. Responding calmly and communicating in a compassionate and caring way benefitted not just my Loved One but me as well.

Let me emphasize one part of the above: in considering the worst-case scenario, that my Loved One might not make it, the one thing I’ve wished for the most is that they know they’re loved, and that I tried everything I could. And that is what CRAFT has given me: a chance to build on my relationship with my son in a way that lets him know he is loved—whether using, not using, or dealing with mental health and trauma. It’s also given me the chance to engage in true self-care and to present the person I want to be not only to my son but to everyone I interact with.

Love and wisdom are worth giving, no matter the result

You expressed your feeling that CRAFT will not work for you and your daughter. I would just encourage you to reconsider what it means to “work.” No, it will not necessarily keep your daughter safe, but it could help build on your relationship with her. It might not make your daughter go into long-term recovery or keep her from recurrences, but it could help reduce her use, and help her think about her situation in a different way. Rethinking what the goals are for learning CRAFT might help motivate you to see things differently, leading to progress in a positive direction for both you and your daughter.

I know, momma: none of this will guarantee that your daughter’s going to be OK. There just isn’t a magic Staples button. But learning CRAFT skills and practices will never do harm, and will help you make the best of whatever is possible. It will also help you take care of yourself and live in a way that is a little less full of strife. From one momma to another, I wish I could do more or have something more definitive to point you towards. But this is all I have. And I know from my own life that this is something.

I wish with all my heart for some sort of healing on your journey with your daughter.

Laurie MacDougall