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I Fear That My Brother May Go to Jail if I Don’t Intervene

lmacaluso September 3, 2021
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go to jail monopoly

Allies member Angelica79 is at her wit’s end. Her brother is facing a felony DUI charge and may end up going to jail. His mental and physical health are deteriorating, while his drug and alcohol use continue to escalate. She desperately wants to see her brother get the treatment he needs. And while she worries that it might damage their relationship, she believes that petitioning the court on his behalf could save her brother’s life. But there’s a lot to consider before taking such an irreversible step. 

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“I know mandating someone to treatment is a last option. I live in Florida where we have the Marchman Act that allows concerned friends or family to get someone into treatment against their will. My brother is facing a felony DUI charge, which means that he may go to jail for up to 5 years. Two doctors have told him that his alcohol intake is damaging his liver and advised him to stop. He’s been prescribed medications to help with his depression and drinking but refuses to take them. He self-medicates with alcohol and occasionally takes cocaine, mushrooms, and LSD. Some days he only gets out of bed to go to the bar or to get more alcohol. He works from home and is able to do most of his work drunk apparently. He has no friends and no life.  

I have been doing CRAFT for a long time without any real results. He expresses the occasional wish/dip but has a lot of reasons he won’t get treatment. I don’t think he wants to live like this, and I would love to see him sober for 90 days—so that he can make a decision about how he wants to live with a clearer head. He is drunk 24/7 and has been for years. I know there’s hope that anyone could change on their own, but I feel like we have a time limit since his court date is on the horizon. I would love to see him get some help before he goes to jail, but I think the only way that will happen is if I take legal action. I know this could damage our relationship. I also know it might save his life. What do you think?” 

CRAFT: Your Best Defense Is a Good Offense  

You pose a very difficult question: to what lengths should you go to help your brother enter treatment when it seems like he has given up? As you well know, ambivalence toward change and resistance to treatment are part of the recovery process. The CRAFT model is specifically designed to help families whose Loved Ones are resistant to help. You acknowledge the fact that your brother will occasionally express a wish or dip, and you have responded by using the CRAFT approach. This is a very good sign. I realize it may not feel this way right now, but it means that neither one of you has lost the will to fight. 

Even though it seems like he is determined to continue on this path, there are moments when he wishes he could stop. Module 8 segment 1, How Do I Get My Loved One into Treatment, can help to guide you through those times. By helping you identify and prepare for his brief moments of willingness, you’ll be more ready to step in with encouragement, support, and solutions.     

I wonder if you would be open to continuing to apply the CRAFT approach and reward moments of non-use with smaller, more specific rewards. Visit Rewarding Non-Use in Module 5. Ensure that the rewards you provide are meaningful to him by completing exercise #16. Despite how dire the situation appears, there is still a real chance that your brother will decide to seek treatment on his own. Remember that this happens in 65-70% of cases where family members apply the CRAFT approach.  

Court Mandated Treatment May or May Not Be the Best Option 

Pursuing a court mandate is a very personal choice. Once it’s done, you must be able to live with the consequences. There are both positive and negative aspects to taking legal action, and only you know what is best for your family. The most important thing to remember is to do your homework on the process and learn as much as you can about the legal ramifications and treatment options available in your area. With the Marchman Act in particular, there are many points to consider. You can learn more about Marchman through both private organizations in Florida and official state channels. You may also want to consult with a private attorney on the matter.   

It is also important to note that your brother’s rights are protected by HIPPA, regardless of whether he enters treatment on his own or is mandated. Therefore, he would need to sign a release of information (ROI) form with each provider in order for you to be able to communicate with the facility and advocate on his behalf.  

When it comes to alcohol, the priority is to detox him safely. Once he completes the withdrawal and stabilization program, his treatment team will recommend an inpatient and/or residential program. They will present his options and work to secure a bed in the facility of his choosing, depending on his insurance. If you decide to mandate him to treatment, the court will likely dictate the time frame, the level of care, and the facility. You may not have any say in where he goes or for how long. Either way, treatment isn’t free. The cost must be covered either by insurance, self-payment, or by a state funded facility. 

How Do You Care For Yourself While Continuing to Support Your Loved One?  

Whatever you decide, remember that there are no guarantees. The ideal scenario will always be to encourage your Loved One to find treatment and recovery support on their own, and the best way to do that is through CRAFT.  

Let me also encourage you to set an example for your Loved One by taking care of your own well-being. This is not selfish; it is necessary. If we expect our Loved Ones to care for themselves, we must lead by example. I’d ask that you review Module 7 to learn to identify and cope with overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Follow the exercises and learn ways to care for yourself during this difficult time. 

We are here for you every step of the way. Please continue to reach out and ask for help anytime you need to. Keep us posted on his progress.  

P.S. Your question made us think of other members whose Loved Ones are in very serious situations. You might find more that’s helpful by taking a look at our exchanges with them:

 https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-he-has-stopped-engaging-with-life/

https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-is-he-drinking-himself-to-death/

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He Won’t Agree to the Care We Know He Needs

Cwfranklin’s adult son smokes fentanyl. With his parents’ active support, he’s gone through various rounds of treatment. His recoveries have been substantial, but so far they haven’t lasted. Now his parents are considering “lines in the sand” to convince him to undertake a longer, multi-stage treatment plan. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine suggests an alternative: CRAFT-informed engagement that returns responsibility to their Loved One, where it belongs. 

Dominique Simon November 11, 2022
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After So Much Hard Work, He’s Slipping. How Can I Help?

Your Loved One’s journey is in their hands. But CRAFT skills can make your vital support most effective. Renee’s son has been struggling with substance use for 15 years. He’s fighting hard for his own recovery, and that includes rebuilding his career. But lately, he appears to be slipping. For his parents, and for Allies writer Laurie MacDougall, this is something of an alarm bell. The good news is that Renee’s there to support him—and reaching out to Allies for the skills and support to do so.

Laurie MacDougall November 4, 2022
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“We Are Absolutely the Worst People” in Her Life: When Mental Illness, SUD, and Blame Collide 

Your CRAFT skills may be put to the test, but they’re still indispensable. Perhaps more than ever. At Allies in Recovery, we’re always impressed by the mutual support our members give each other—and wherever possible, we try to build on it. At the heart of this post is a conversation about how to take care of your emotions while staying connected with your Loved One (LO). It leads to a stark question many of us coping with SUD grapple with: how do you support a Loved One who blames, rages, and is verbally out of control? Laurie MacDougall tackles this vital, thorny issue. 

Laurie MacDougall October 28, 2022
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Does This Level of Violence Rule Out CRAFT?

Nohp’s husband of 48 years is struggling with heavy alcohol use. Recently his behavior has become more alarming, and even violent. Now she’s staying outside their home, and wondering if that violence means the CRAFT approach isn’t right for their circumstances. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine thinks it probably is. While underscoring that no one can decide for her, she advises Nohp to explore the skills training and support resources offered through Allies in Recovery. Quite simply, they work, and have a track record to prove it.

Dominique Simon October 21, 2022
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Please Help Me Improve What I Say to Her

Words matter so much — both the ones we speak or write, and the one we choose not to. Fletcher921’s daughter uses meth and opioids, and was recently suspended from her job. She showed her mother the suspension letter from her employer — an act of real trust. Her mother put effort and heart into her reply, but wants to do even better next time. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall reflects on how CRAFT could help in this effort, and the possible benefits for daughter and mother alike.

Laurie MacDougall October 14, 2022
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Don’t Give Up Too Soon On Medication-Assisted Treatment

Elaine’s son is struggling to quit opioids, but the path is hard. He’s had many rounds of detox, and is now trying to self-medicate. An initial attempt at Suboxone treatment made him feel emotionless and flat. But did it have to be that way? Allies’ CEO Dominique Simon-Levine reviews the challenges and great promise of Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT). MAT therapies often come with a period of adjustment for our Loved One’s.

Dominique Simon October 7, 2022
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It Feels Like Nothing Works With Him

If we focus on what’s ours to control, change is possible all the same. CRAFT skills can help you get there. Elaine’s son is back in the hospital, in a routine that’s become all too familiar to his parents. They’ve tried to help in many ways, but the health crises and the drug use that leads to them don’t seem to be changing, and Elaine’s begun to doubt they ever will. Laurie MacDougall gently challenges this idea. While a Loved One’s life isn’t ours to change, our own words, feelings, and behavior are. Allies in Recovery is committed to helping us learn to take control of these, and thereby give our Loved Ones the most effective support we can.

Laurie MacDougall September 30, 2022
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Do I Want to Have Children With Him?

There’s nothing simple about such a question. But here are some pointers in the search for answers. Whits wants children and loves her partner. But is she prepared to raise children with someone who’s progress with his SUD is uncertain? No one, of course, can answer that for her. But if there is a way forward together, it will require compassionate communication, as well as boundaries and self-care. That’s where the CRAFT approach can be so powerfully helpful.

Laurie MacDougall September 23, 2022
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The Discussion Blog on the Allies Website: Excerpts From One Member’s Journey

An important component of any member’s successful journey on the Allies website is participation in the expertly-moderated Discussion Blog. There, CRAFT/AIR trained staff interact with members by answering questions in both regular replies and in full, expert blog response posts offering guidance that any member can access. Members see other members sharing questions, frustrations, and successes similar to theirs, and also they often see how the Learning Modules are effectively used as referenced by our team experts and by members. We also offer dozens of supplementary podcasts by members of our Allied Team, discussing real situations with Loved Ones and using the CRAFT approach.

Dominique Simon July 1, 2022
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A Message from Founder, Dominique Simon-Levine

Founder & CEO, Dominique Simon-Levine, offers an update about the Allies in Recovery program, including new offerings and activities. Thank you all for being so patient as we navigated through the many hassles and challenges associated with developing and building our new website. We are so very grateful for YOU! (Pictured Left to Right: Nicole Castillo, Andrew Maxwell, Deborah Rodriguez, Sandra Munier)

Dominique Simon June 24, 2022
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You Don’t Have to Live in Manhattan to Access Recovery Services

And if AA isn’t what your Loved One’s after, there are usually alternatives
Kspring has been supporting her son on his recovery journey for years.
He’s come a long way, but the challenges still feel immense, and Kspring
is actively seeking new recovery resources that could offer a hand. Allies’
Laurie MacDougall did some digging. What she found underscores just
how much is out there—much of it independent of Zip code.

Laurie MacDougall April 26, 2022
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