How To Ask If They’re Getting Addicted

Express your concern and be curious

If you have avoided talking with someone about their drug or alcohol use, try opening the door. Timing is important to consider: conversations about a person’s substance use are best done when things are relatively peaceful, and neither person has been drinking or using drugs. Use your best judgment, based on what you know about the person, in deciding when, where and how to start the conversation. Is the person more comfortable at their house or in a public space? Does it make sense to set aside a time, or would that seem too formal and stilted? Might the conversation start with a text or note, to be followed up later?

People who receive communication training or go to couples therapy are often told to use ‘I’ statements. The idea is to talk to the other person from your own perspective in order to avoid blaming and evoking defensiveness. The same applies here. Your initial statement on the topic could be as simple as something like: ‘I’m worried about your drinking/drug use.’

Alternatively, or additionally, you could engage in a more in-depth conversation about the person’s substance use in a curious way, with the intention of understanding their experience. Questions like: ‘What do you like about drinking/using the drug? What do you get out of it?’ get at what underlies a person’s substance use. Understanding their motivations can help you summon compassion, which ultimately helps create a safer space for the exploration of possible behavioural changes. (See the Learn More section below for a way of considering the functions of someone’s substance use in detail.)

Perhaps you’ve already tried starting the conversation and the person left the room, made jokes, refused to talk, got impatient or angry, or used other signals that said Nope, don’t want to talk about this. Try not to be discouraged. Most of us want to avoid topics that feel annoying or uncomfortable to talk about. These are good moments to summon empathy and to decide what’s next. You might make an understanding comment like: ‘These things are hard to talk about.’ Or: ‘I know this makes you uncomfortable, but I brought this up because I care about you.’ A bit of humour or playfulness might fit here, and a ‘thanks for hearing me out on this’ never hurts. You might choose to drop the conversation right then and there with the intention of picking it up again later. Pat yourself on the back for trying, consider what went well, and think about how you might approach the next time. Just like any skill, these conversations get better with practice.

Ask what kind of support will promote change, and offer it

Here’s something you can do: offer support. But what does ‘support’ even mean? People often think they know what others need in terms of their substance problem: treatment, ‘hitting bottom’, cutting off contact with the ‘bad kids’, and even ‘realisation’ (ie, ‘They just need to realise what they’re doing to themselves!’). When we offer the kind of support that we assume others need, we might have good intentions. So good that we are paving our way to hell with them, as the saying goes.

The truth is, the best kind of support is the kind that the other person will accept. You might have some really great ideas about what they need, but only they know what they’re willing to do and what kind of support they want from you. And the way to know what that support looks like is to ask directly: ‘You’re in the best position to know what might help you make changes, but I’m here to help. What do you think would be helpful right now?’ Or, simply: ‘How can I support you?’ Examples of support you can provide might include researching professional help options (eg, therapists, prescribers, formal substance use disorder treatment), checking insurance benefits to understand what kind of services are covered, or providing accountability for the person as they try to cut down or quit. If someone is not ready for these steps, you can be a listening ear, help them clarify their substance use goals, or engage in activities with them that do not involve drinking or drug use.

In addition to offering support, consider that you yourself might benefit from support of some kind. In other words, it’s important to take care of yourself. If you’ve lost touch with hobbies or friendships or avoided events, perhaps because of a loved one’s substance problem, reconnecting with these things will help you feel better – and possibly enable you to better support your loved one.

Stay connected and set limits: you can do both

Staying connected to someone with a drinking or drug problem is strategically important – it allows you to keep the conversation going and provide needed support. For some people, staying connected might mean sending sporadic text messages, maybe making an occasional phone call. For others, staying connected means providing stable housing or other resources to someone with a substance problem. There’s a universe of options, and the ones you choose will depend on your own comfort and limits.

Maintaining the connection does not mean you’re ‘enabling’ substance use. You can both stay connected and set loving and firm boundaries consistent with your expectations of people you care about. You don’t want to delete someone you love from your life, but you need to maintain the relationship without compromising your own wellbeing.

What limits do you want to set in your relationship? You might notice if you’re doing things that you feel resentful about later, like cleaning up messes (literal and figurative) that resulted from a person’s substance use. Your limits are highly personal, and worth thoughtful consideration. For one person, setting a limit is refusing to be the ‘alarm clock’ for a roommate who otherwise would show up late to work after a late night of partying. A parent might leave the wreckage of last night’s drinking adventures for their teenager to clean up. Another parent might stop letting their adult son borrow money because it’s clear that the money is used to buy drugs. The sibling of a person who struggles with alcohol might insist on hosting family gatherings in order to ensure that no alcohol is present. In a different family, a sibling might refuse to host family gatherings, to ensure an easy escape from a sibling’s ‘drug talk’.

It can be tricky to consistently apply limits. But it’s unfair to the other person if you set a limit, don’t hold to it, and then blame the person for blowing through a limit that you did not uphold. Once you decide on a limit, it’s important to communicate it and stand by it consistently.

Affirm the positive

Our brains have a natural bias towards the negative, which simply means that we tend to notice and focus on the things that go poorly more than the things that go smoothly. For example, you might notice when clothes lay strewn across the bathroom floor, but notwhen they’ve been folded neatly and put in drawers. In a similar way, you might notice and feel anxious about a person’s drug use or drinking, but fail to notice the signs that they are attempting to make changes.

You can tune your antennae differently and start noticing the behaviours that you want to see more of, such as help-seeking of any kind, attempts to limit drinking or drug use, or any statement indicating a desire to change. You can notice and then affirm the positive you see in the other person: ‘I know you started taking medication for your substance use. That’s a great step toward change.’ You can also notice when they do things that might ‘compete’ with substance use. For example: ‘Thanks for coming to Claire’s gymnastics practice today. We love it when you’re here with us.’

Positive statements like these not only reinforce these behaviours, they decrease the likelihood that the conversation goes sideways. Consider how a loved one might react to the statement: ‘You always choose your partying friends over us!’ Regardless of how true it feels, this statement could shut down or fire up the other person – either one leading the conversation into unproductive territory. Negative statements can elicit defensiveness, avoidance and snide retorts. Positive statements can elicit surprise, curiosity and an open conversation.

Adopt a hopeful stance

I believe that people have a natural inclination to move in the direction of growth and positive change. Sometimes that inclination is shrouded in the chaos of drug or alcohol use, but I continue to believe it’s there. When we hang on to such hopefulness, we feel more agency and optimism. This is helpful in our own lives, and it could be helpful for someone who might feel hopeless in the face of a substance use disorder. You can make statements that acknowledge the challenge of change, but that also communicate hope: ‘It’s hard to go down the pathway of making healthier decisions, but people change. You can too.’

Talking to people about their substance use can be awkward and tense, and may evoke many negative emotions on both sides. Sometimes you have to keep trying. You might have one conversation that goes off the rails. No problem! Consider a less-than-ideal conversation an opportunity to practise for next time. You don’t get just one chance. This is the beauty of not doing a confrontational ‘intervention’ where everyone hangs their hat on a single encounter. Keep talking, keep trying.

Key points – How to ask if they’re getting addicted

The Recovery Research Institute in Boston, Massachusetts presents information about addiction and recovery in an easy-to-understand, visually appealing manner. Their Guide for Family Members includes facts and recommendations for family and friends affected by addiction.

The Center for Motivation and Change (CMC) in the United States provides a number of resources for loved ones of people who use drugs and alcohol, including a 20-minute guide to their Invitation to Change programme. There’s one guide for parents and a separate one for partners.

Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change (2014) is a book by CMC’s co-founders that provides guidance and hope to friends, families and loved ones looking to help a person change their substance use.

Helping Families Help is a CRAFT-based website offering resources for families struggling with a loved one’s substance use. Other CRAFT-based education and support websites offer membership of Allies in Recovery (for online videos and training) and the course We the Village (for online training, individualised coaching, and facilitated groups with other family members and loved ones).

The website Learn About Treatment, from my own Addictions, Drug and Alcohol Institute at the University of Washington in Seattle, has a strong focus on opioid and stimulant use disorders; the section for family and friends includes FAQs and further resources.

SOURCE: Psyche is a digital magazine from Aeon that illuminates the human condition through psychology, philosophy and the arts. VIEW FULL ARTICLE VIA PSYCHE MAGAZINE HERE