How Are You? No, Really?

Photo credit: Annie Highwater

Recovery enthusiast Annie Highwater shares some wise and affirming thoughts on
self-care, self-valuation, and the great potential for growth that can accompany
struggle and adversity. If you’re a professional caregiver, or caring for a Loved One
with SUD, this piece is especially for you.

How are you? Good question!

However basic it may seem, asking this question is profoundly important. That point was
brought home recently at a work event I attended called How the Health are You? The
question was directed toward mental health workers, caregivers, and the Loved Ones of
those who struggle with mental health, alcohol, and addiction issues.

For those who function in caregiver roles or work in the mental health fields—along with
anyone adjacent to these types of struggles—it’s vitally important to check in on one’s own
health regularly.

Sometimes it’s clear we need a break. At other times, what we’re carrying isn’t clear until
we hit a breaking point. Sustained attention to our own health and needs is key to
maintaining some level of balance and peace when stress is chronic. We’d probably pay
that kind of attention if we were physically ill. We’ll be better off if we can do so in other
stressful situations as well.

When we find ourselves in a season of struggle, it helps to remember that seasons
eventually change and that some good may even come from these times. Adversity and
struggle can often lead to awakenings and breakthroughs. My dad’s favorite phrase when I faced troubling times is, “This is when you find our who you are.” I have found this to be
true.

Struggle can mark the start of something good

Many times, we hear of someone with a startling health diagnosis who, as a result, takes the reins of their health, launches into working out and eating better, and turns their health
around, sometimes even running a marathon or taking on other remarkable physical
challenges.

We may also know of people who have made profound changes in their life during or after
a time of struggle: a health scare, a breakup or divorce, a painful end to a close friendship,
an unexpected job loss. What may have seemed like the world ending instead led to health and fitness goals, starting a new business, going after the career they always wanted, entering into a healthy, happy relationship, and so on.

These types of outcomes are called post-traumatic growth. The National Institutes of
Health define post-traumatic growth as “positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity, trauma, or highly challenging life circumstances.” Dr. Peter A. Levine, a leading voice in trauma and recovery research, argues that these positive changes are open to a great many people:

I’ve come to the conclusion that human beings are born with an innate capacity
to triumph over trauma. I believe not only that trauma is curable, but that the
healing process can be a catalyst for profound awakening—a portal opening to
emotional and genuine spiritual transformation.

Is my grief deeper than yours?

A “side dish” often accompanying struggle or adversity is comparative grief. This is the
practice of trying to make sense of our pain by comparing it to the pain of others. Is ours
greater, lesser, completely insignificant by comparison?

In general, we’re better off not asking those questions, because whatever conclusion we
come to doesn’t tend to make us feel better. Those conclusions can even be damaging to
our mental health. When we fully honor and validate our own pain, we aren’t likely to find
ourselves needing to compare our suffering to anyone else’s.

So, here’s my hope for you: that you can pause in the midst of all things and
remember…you matter! Even when others seem to be bearing a greater measure of
suffering—you matter too.

We’re all in this together. Or as Ram Dass would say, “We’re all just walking each other
home.”

Take care,

Annie Highwater
Recovery Enthusiast
Author, Writer, Podcast Host