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Live Like the Moon: Why Gentle Influence Works

chaucer-2 July 29, 2016

This post first appeared on the Sanctuary Blog on the Allies in Recovery member site.

allies in recovery gentle influence addiction intervention self-care positive communication skills

At Allies in Recovery, one of our goals is to teach you how to better communicate with your loved one, while also caring for yourself in the process. This balancing act isn’t easy.

When your loved one is abusing alcohol or drugs, engaging in dangerous activities, or making life decisions you dislike, the natural impulse is to try and change your loved one’s behavior through sheer willpower, whether through arguing, sarcasm, passive-aggressive behavior, or other means. But as Allies in Recovery’s online program teaches, you cannot change other people. You can only change yourself.

Arguing and threatening doesn’t help

Arguing only makes you and your loved one miserable. What is the alternative? The next time your loved one does something that triggers an emotional response in you, take a deep breath. Pause. When you feel the anger welling up, resist the urge to lash out. Remember the lessons we teach on our (member) website… rewarding good behavior when your loved one isn’t using, and stepping away when they are using, are key steps in the recovery process.

“That sounds good on paper,” you might say, “but pausing isn’t easy in the moment when you are furious and tired and ready to give up.”

It’s true that retraining yourself takes effort, but it *is* possible. Plenty of family members have learned this skill through our program, and so can you.

How do you learn to pause and not get hooked by the same old triggers?

The Allies in Recovery site provides a number of tools to help you develop such mindfulness. Using the journal regularly, tracking your progress consistently, reading the Sanctuary, and completing the Key Observations will help you learn the skill of stepping away. How? Each of these tools helps you to gain a bird’s eye view of your own actions, as well as those of your loved one. You are examining your patterns and responses from above with distance and unfiltered clarity, instead of from down below in the thick of it where the view is severely limited.

The quiet power of your gentle influence

In Everyday Tao: Living with Balance and Harmony  Ming-Dao Deng writes: “The moon does not fight. It attacks no one, does not worry, nor does it try to crush others. It keeps to its course, but by its very nature, its gentle influence. What other body could pull an entire ocean from shore to shore? The moon is faithful to its nature and its power is never diminished.”

It is this kind of quiet power that we teach you in the Allies in Recovery program. The next time you find yourself triggered and upset by your loved one’s actions, think of the moon. Don’t fight or attack, but stay on course. When your spouse or child comes home drunk, try shifting  your perspective. Instead of responding in your usual angry way, try stepping back and using the lessons taught in our program. You just might be surprised at how it alters your dynamic. And if you don’t succeed the first time, try again. Your loving influence really can make a difference.

Journal Exercise

Full moon CThink about the last fight you had with your loved one. What specific behavior triggered your emotional response? When your loved one set you off emotionally, how did you feel? Angry? Withdrawn? Exasperated? Worried? How did you express these feelings externally? What did you say or do? Was there a key moment in the interaction when you could have paused, stepped back, and responded differently?  Record these responses in your journal.

The next time your loved one sets off this same trigger, how can you handle the situation differently? Think about action steps you can take, such as excusing yourself for a few minutes, taking several deep breaths, getting a glass of water from the kitchen, or any other action that will give you some breathing space and allow you to communicate more mindfully.

Reread the quote from Ming-Dao Deng above. If you were to be more like the moon in your daily life, how might that look? What would you do or say, or perhaps not do or not say? What does it mean to have “gentle influence”? How can you exercise your own quiet power?

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, two blogs, and dialogue with experts in the field of treatment and recovery. Learn more here.

Categories: Communication, Self-Care for the Family Member
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Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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