“You’ve Helped Me Tremendously”

michael111 writes in with an inspiring update on his journey with CRAFT and a shout-out to Allies and the CRAFT method.

"This is a very busy time of year, and I've been thinking about AiR, and I wanted to check in tonight — but not for an update. It's not that I don't have one, because I guess I do, but I just wanted to send some good and happy season's greetings to you all: Dominique, Isabel, Emily, everyone at AiR. You've helped me tremendously and have made my life better. Actually, considering the deep emotions and the pain I experienced this past year, you've just made my life, period. I will never forget that.

Everyone is so down on 2020. But this year, in fact, has been a fantastic year for me. It has been the most creative and productive year of my life. I've been unwavering in my willingness to support my Loved One — even though I haven't even seen her since my last post here, in September, I think of her and pray for her every single day and am positive and strong in my knowledge that I'd walk through fire without a flinch in order to help her or to support her in a quest for recovery.

But yes, 2020 — this is the year that CRAFT has become a real and lasting part of my life, it's the year that I've been able to come to terms with this situation and do the right thing, the best thing. If I didn't know CRAFT, I would think that 2020 was the year I failed, the year my Loved One left my life. But it's not exactly like that. I understand that it's my Loved One who has failed — not only everyone in her life, but she's failed herself. I haven't failed. I've learned, and I've been able to channel the rich raw emotions that I've felt and redirect it into my work, and there is a power in that which is unlike anything I know. I'm seeing new ways in multiple mediums, finding new outlets for my writing and music, and am finally getting things done in ways that I've always wanted. Oh, and I have a record store! People like it, it's a fun happy place, and it's doing very well! I have big plans for 2021.

I've also gotten such a lesson about drugs, and about all the substances in life that people get use disorders over. I laugh to myself when I think that it feels like I've become the kind of person who could speak to young adults about addiction and drugs. But it's so true — I'm so awake to it now and have seen too many lives that it's affected in all bad ways. At the record store I'm able to influence young kids in a positive way, turn them on to good things like classical music, and it's very satisfying.

I haven't set foot inside the tavern since that night I worked there in September, and haven't seen my Loved One since that evening, when we talked amicably and I walked out into the crisp unknowing night. I saw her car once, an early afternoon maybe a month and a half ago, when she was driving down the street to the liquor store. But I haven't kept up with her life or the dramas of the tavern. I don't miss it in the least.

I still can't shake the strong and convincing feeling that we'd met for a reason and that when the time is right I am going to help her. I'm there should she ever need or want that help, and I hope she realizes this and remembers me, but otherwise I'm focusing on my life and work and everything I have to do — and I'm trying to be a positive force in the world for everyone. I hope we all have a good great 2021!"

Michael111: Hearing of a deeper acceptance of your Loved One’s addiction is a rare thing on this site. I thank you very much for sharing this with all of us.

A primary purpose of these posts is to place the CRAFT framework onto your situation, to help clarify your place and your role. It's what I like to call it the CRAFT stance: by definition, it's the stance that best helps both of you.

CRAFT gave you a new mindset; a new way of seeing how to piece the story together. This blog was designed to address our members' real-life situations in real time. Our job is to fit your situation into the CRAFT framework.

If we can help you put those pieces into place, the hope and theory is that you will come to see yourself and your Loved One differently. You will come to a state of being that we know is possible — thousands of years of meditation tell us so — in which you are at peace, despite the active addiction of a Loved One.

Your words are a gift to the Allies Team. We thank you.

With respect to your Loved One’s addiction, I, too, can absolutely see the day your Loved One will come to you and ask for help to stop using.  She is not happy; you have thrown out a critical lifeline to her. Patience and self-care are your tools. She is incredibly lucky to have you in her corner.