This is MY Home!
Hopefulin2018 has started locking the door when her Loved One is out past curfew. It is a challenge to bring these new boundaries up with her son. He is pushing back and she’s worried about creating a rift between them after some recent progress.
My son came home last Monday after being out of town with his band over President's Day weekend. One of the other boys parents traveled with them. They had a wonderful time and when my son walked in Monday evening, he seemed great. He sat around and talked with us, he looked good and bright eyed. Last night he was out with his friends and came home stoned. Since I haven't had a chance to talk with him, personally, about not coming home stoned I decided to approach the subject today. I explained to him that it's very difficult to see him stoned and that I don't want to see him stoned anymore. I requested that he please stay where he is until he is sober, then come home. Read the full comment here.
It sounds like you did an excellent job talking with your son about his cannabis use and your request that he not come home stoned.
If he comes home stoned, it’s the big chill. This doesn’t change. You have told him your wish to stay away when stoned. He heard you. So, no confrontations or fights, just time to chill.
Your son is living in your home. You love him unconditionally. His living in your home, though, is conditional. This isn’t about “kicking him out.” For you, the parent, it’s about gauging whether your son is able to adhere to the limits put in place. Remember your goal: a warm loving home when he isn’t high. Lights out, heat off, an all-out chill when he appears high.
It’s less about punishing your son for breaking a rule or for stepping over a limit. Let him feel the effects of coming home high and the barrier that goes up when you spot it. The feeling is made worse for him because you have started the conversation that your home is his home when he isn’t high. You are making your home and home life conditional on not being high.
It’s hard to imagine a young adult your son’s age going out on his own. Someone who isn’t doing enough to take care of himself and who is overly focused on drugs would clearly have a hard time out on his own at first. Don’t scare yourself by thinking in hard breaks: one moment home and safe; the next kicked out into the cold. This is a time of transition. It’s not going to happen overnight.
The “don’t come home until you are no longer high” request pushes the responsibility for coming home straight onto your son. It’s a way for him to choose what he wants to do each time.
The other issue you are facing is the one of overall acceptance/ rejection of pot. He feels it is harmless. You see otherwise. In terms of the high, pot doesn’t hit the big jackpots as other drugs do. Rather, the person using just doesn’t get much done; the thinking is muddled; staying focused is hard. In the past, we’ve spoken about aiming to reduce use for teens, vs aiming for total abstinence. Debating the pros and cons of pot in general with your son probably won’t get you far. But the bottom line should be clear: please don’t come home when high. Please respect what we want in our home. Let him work with this. For now, you’ve done what’s essential. You have made the home feel more conditional. You’ve pushed the responsibilities to choose about his use and its consequences more squarely onto him.
You have experienced some warm, connected, clear moments with your son recently. These are beacons of hope in the midst of your struggles. It takes so much patience to stay neutral in the moment. To stay in a place of unconditional love even when we don’t love the behaviors we see. To accept what we can and can’t do about our Loved Ones’s behaviors. Journaling about your frustrations is an excellent way to take care of yourself in this process. It really does help!
Amidst these frustrations, simple breathing practices, prayers and meditations are so useful as well. They can give us much-needed practice in shifting our perspectives on the things we are presented with, even when we can’t change the events themselves. You are doing a great job staying calm and neutral while using the CRAFT principles. Try to keep up this practice when you find yourself feeling fearful about what might come to pass down the road.
At this age, it’s fair to say that your son still has a lot to learn. It can be terribly exhausting to go through all the ups and downs of communications with him while trying to maintain your composure. But it’s always worth reminding yourself there is so much that any teenaged boy is still learning at this point. At his age, navigating interpersonal relations and figuring out who he wants to be are already processes with plenty of ups and downs. He is learning to finding a balance between independence and maintaining meaningful ties with his family. Even without the complications of substance use/ abuse, this is often a messy process. All the more reason to be compassionate: with yourself, and with him as well.
I was just wondering what you LO plan is now that he has graduated? My LO would say repeatedly that once she was 18 she would be out of our house but that changed when she actually turned 18…I think it is good for our kids to feel the full weigh of independence ….living independently is hard. We put our daughter in a sober home when she was 17…someone else enforced the rules and it was a bit of peace for us even though it didn’t last long. She relapsed and went to treatment. I think it is really hard when the addict is young…they have a hard time grasping the idea that they are sober and can’t party anymore. It is so important to have strong boundaries and a plan when they decide they want to get sober. My daughter is turning 22 and she has been using since 13….these years have been pretty horrendous and she has suffered a great deal of trauma. She is almost 8 months sober which is a real record for her. I just think there is going to be a period where your son don’t want to be sober and is going have a lot of disrespect for you…I just don’t think you need to endure it…you can still be supportive even when he is not under your roof.
What I really would like to know is what is his plan for his life now that he has graduated? I think that is a great starting point to guide you going forward. Good luck…hang in there…there is hope.
Thank you for your insights and words of encouragement, shelleybobelly. It helps knowing how others have handled similar situations.
My son claims he wants to move out and is planning to do so, but I don’t see him making any effort towards that. When he tells me this, I always encourage him and tell him I think it would be good for him. Honestly, I wish he would move out on his own without us having to make good on our boundaries – but I don’t see that happening. He also wants to go to college, though he’s taking first semester off to pursue some music opportunities. I’ve already told him he will need to help pay for college.
I wish for your daughter to stay strong and sober and that your family can peacefully recover as she continues to find her way.
It’s been a while since I’ve reached out for direction, but I’m needing some again. When I found AIR last November, I realized what a Godsend it was. After intensely interacting with AIR and heeding EVERY word that was suggested, I felt like I was finally getting a grasp on how CRAFT looks for my situation, what my role is in this chaos that my son’s brought into our world, and what I do and don’t have control over, all while trying to remain patient, patient, patient. I’ve been working on my communication skills and being consistent.
For the last month, I’ve found myself struggling, again, and I need some direction. Honestly, I’ve been so exhausted from putting so much energy into figuring things out with my son, that I feel like all I could do was focus on stepping in/stepping out based on my son’s use. Outside of my son finally graduating high school, it doesn’t seem as though anything else has changed – not his attitude or respect towards us, not helping around the house, not caring about burning bridges with good friends, etc. Every time I found his stash of pot in his room, I just used it as information rather than confronting him about it. However, in April when I found his stash of pot, nicotine, and vapes, I had to take them and toss them. Needless to say, he had a tantrum and outburst. Then, when I caught his friend vaping in our house, we told his friend that was not okay, but when we followed up with my son afterwards, his response was so flippant. He just said he can’t control what his friends do.
Following all that, I reached out to my parenting coach that I had through Partnership for Drug Free and asked for her input on presenting my son with options for living in our home. We typed up a chart that briefly identified what we wanted from him in order for him to live at home after he turns 18 (end of May): 1) no drugs, vape, or paraphernalia in our house, helping around the house/cleaning up after himself, 2) managing his anger, 3) keep his key on him so he doesn’t wake us up in the middle of the night, and 4) pay for his drum expenses (this is new to him). In presenting him with these conditions, we realized it’s not about making him stop, but trying to cultivate a semblance of respect towards us and our home. We said if he can’t follow those conditions, then he’d have to find somewhere to live after June 15 – we’d change the locks.
Of course, he interprets this as us kicking him out – he refuses to see that he has a choice. Each of those conditions have been violated multiple times.
June 15 is fast approaching. He graduated and we will be celebrating his accomplishment with family and friends. I suspect he’ll get some money. He is driven by who and where he can use. He has a group of good friends that he blows off and they’re getting sick of it, while at the same time, he’s never blown off his friends he uses with.
Here’s where I could use some direction, insight and AIR’s words of wisdom:
1. I sense my husband might struggle with following through with the June 15 deadline. This is frustrating. I share with him all that AIR suggests, he agrees and understands why you suggest what you do, but he also lets his emotions get in the way. My energy for helping him stay on the same page is waning. I’m exhausted from this. It’s all I have to figure it out for myself. I’m just as scared of June 16 as my husband is, but I just don’t think we’re helping my son by not drawing a line. My son is definitely not in a position to live on his own financially, and he definitely is not world wise.
I want to present my son with options for treatment/support to address his SUD as a condition for him to stay at home past June 15. I’m overwhelmed with the options and not sure how to approach this step. He refuses to go to therapy again (he saw a therapist for 3 years for social anxiety/depression).
2. My son started using at the age of 13 with his cousin who went to the same school. We live in the same neighborhood. Both boys went through treatment (different programs for each) for depression/anxiety/suicidal thinking at some point. Last summer, both boys went to a church camp out of the country for 3 weeks where they studied about our culture and religion. We were lucky enough to spend another 4 weeks together in that country reconnecting as a family. I was very hopeful upon our return that both boys would start their senior year on better footing and revive their friendships with people who are true friends (the same group of friends). This happened for my nephew, but not my son. My nephew is thriving, but my son went the opposite direction. Now, my son and nephew barely see each other, whereas they used to be inseparable since they were babies.
My struggle with this is my feeling of resentment, sadness, anger, and frustration when I see my nephew thriving and the genuine and sincere friendship he has with this group of friends, but that my son is missing out (by his own accord because of his SUD). This group reaches out to my son constantly, but my son blows them off. On the rare occasion he does hang out with them, my son always tells them how much he wants to hang out with them more, but then his SUD gets in the way. I know this group is getting fed up with him. I’m finding myself withdrawing from my sister, my nephew’s mother, who has shared this roller coaster ride with me throughout the years, but I find now that when I share things with her, it reignites my sadness about my son. She’s always been my support, and I hers.
I’ve made an appointment with a therapist to help me sort through these complicated feelings, but can’t get in until July (unless there is a cancellation). I read your recent response to Desperate Aunt and so much of what you said to her is helpful. I realize my struggle is around my immense fear for my son, his health, his future, and whether he’ll burn bridges with those who love him and can help him the most. I’m deep breathing, a lot, and trying to find my way back to more self care – it’s hard though.
I know my situation could be a lot worse, and I recognize this fear is what feeds my struggle. Thank you for always being here AIR. I’m so grateful you’re here.
Your son graduated high school. Congratulations to everyone for seeing this through! It’s an important accomplishment. Since then though, he continues to be a bad citizen in the home, not doing his share, being angry, and not abiding by the rules around drug use.
You’ve decided he has to follow a number of rules or leave by June 15. The rules are:
1) no drugs, vaping or paraphernalia in our house, helping around the house/cleaning up after yourself,
2) managing your anger,
3) keep your key on you so you don’t wake us up in the middle of the night,
4) paying for drum expenses.
He’s not reacting well to these ultimatums and this means he’s going to have to leave soon, and get his own place to live. It seems this is a move he neither has the skills nor the money to make happen.
Read Dominique Simon-Levine’s full response to hopefulin2018 here: https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-showing-a-loved-one-the-door
Thank you so much for your encouragement and of what I need to keep in mind. You also help me to remember that when I get in my head too much, I focus on the negatives, which does me no good. I need to remember this is a process, to look for the positives, and to not take things personally because he has much too much to learn yet.
Things are happening just as you say. He came home on time last night, but he was stoned. I could sense his apprehension of knowing I knew he was stoned. He is feeling the effects. You’ve pushed me back on track. What a gift you are!
I texted my son last night 30 minutes past curfew and told him goodnight and that I love him. I said the doors are locked, have a sleep over, and I’ll see him tomorrow. He came home a couple of hours later, but he had his key on him, which he never does, which tells me he knows the door was going to be locked. He let himself him, ate just about everything he could get his hands on and went to bed. Neither my husband or me got up to acknowledge he was home. I’ve found his empty THC cartridges and vape pens, but haven’t done anything with them. My husbands bag my son used on his trip smells like pot. He continue to vape in our home.
Today is not a great day. I’m so angry that he is dismissive of my boundaries. I’m worried, that when I articulated my boundaries of him not coming home stoned, that it may have grown the rift between us. I’m trying to calm myself so that when I interact with him, my frustration with him won’t come through. I get so sad for him that unless he’s playing his drums, his choices are driven by who and where he will get stoned. Do I just continue to step in/step away? Do I continue to lock the house, but not address how he’s violating my boundary? Do I take his stash or leave it. It’s only confirming what I already know. I’m ready to tell him that he has until the middle of June to figure out his living arrangements. This will give him two weeks after he turns 18. I’m fearful that when this time comes, things will take a turn for the worse. At the same time, I don’t want things to continue as they are. I sense he is far from thinking about recovery. I realize a lot can change by the time high school is over for him in a couple of months. My husband keeps reminding me to stay patient, as you’ve suggested. I’m working on it. I think I’ll unload in my journal all that I’d like to scream at my LO. This usually helps me calm down and find my compassion again.
My son came home last Monday after being out of town with his band over President’s Day weekend. One of the other boys parents traveled with them. They had a wonderful time and when my son walked in Monday evening, he seemed great. He sat around and talked with us, he looked good and bright eyed. Last night he was out with his friends and came home stoned. Since I haven’t had a chance to talk with him, personally, about not coming home stoned I decided to approach the subject today. I explained to him that it’s very difficult to see him stoned and that I don’t want to see him stoned anymore. I requested that he please stay where he is until he is sober, then come home.
He responded by saying it is my problem that his pot use is hurtful to me and that this is his home and he will be coming home. I explained to him that we have rules in this home and we will not allow any drugs to be here, stored here, or used here, nor do we want him here when he’s stoned. After he denied that any of that happens, I explained if he can’t abide by these rules he’ll need to start thinking about transitioning out of our home. He claims that’s what he’s trying to do, although he has no money to do so.
I asked him why he smokes every day and he said because he likes it. He admitted he was stoned while we were talking. He claims my only problem is that he smokes pot and if I didn’t care, things would be fine, and that I need to stop trying to control him. I explained I’m controlling what I know I can control and his pot use is his deal. I tried to clarify that it’s the pot I’m at war with, not him, but he challenged me on that. Eventually, he asked me if I was kicking him out and I said he will always be welcome here and this is his home as long as he’s sober.
I sense my fear spiking as I think about the confrontations that may occur as he dismisses these requests, and how he perceives my boundary as me kicking him out. How do I maintain my boundaries when he seems so dismissive of them or when he doesn’t understand them and interprets them differently than they are?
It sounds like you did an excellent job talking with your son about his cannabis use and your request that he not come home stoned.
If he comes home stoned, it’s the big chill. This doesn’t change. You have told him your wish to stay away when stoned. He heard you. So, no confrontations or fights, just time to chill.
Your son is living in your home. You love him unconditionally. His living in your home, though, is conditional. This isn’t about “kicking him out.” For you, the parent, it’s about gauging whether your son is able to adhere to the limits put in place. Remember your goal: a warm loving home when he isn’t high. Lights out, heat off, an all-out chill when he appears high. Read Dominique Simon-Levine’s full response here: https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-this-is-my-home