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Loved One Using in the House

Dominique Simon January 2, 2019
1 Comment
vaping

Hopefulin2018 reaches out about her Loved One now using in their home. She’s concerned about his apathy and lack of respect for the family and home. With other family members now becoming more aware of the use, how do we support them as well? Is it appropriate to share information about CRAFT with younger family members?

Our son’s crossed a line and is using in our home. I suspect my son has been vaping pot in the bathroom for sometime now. I’ve noticed he coughs each time before he gets in the shower. On the way to taking him to work I said it seems like he coughs a lot when he’s in the bathroom and that I hope he’s not vaping in the house. While he was at work, I found more pot, this time as THC oil cartridges, but he doesn’t know. I left it where I found it – using it as information. Read Hopefulin2018’s full comment here.

Dear Hopefulin2018 (and 2019 if I can add!)… Having other children in the house is hard for families who are focusing on the addiction of a Loved One. Parents or partners often focus more on the person with the addiction issue: the squeaky wheel, the one causing worry. Other children can end up feeling short-changed.

Your daughter is too young for CRAFT at this point. It hasn’t been tested with family members under 18. It shouldn’t be a young person’s responsibility to address the addiction of an older sibling or a parent who is in trouble. You, can, however, continue to be honest and open with her. Explain how her brother is struggling with drugs and alcohol, how you and your partner are getting expert help to support him.

Your daughter needs time and a safe place to say how she feels. It may be that she would benefit from a family meeting with a therapist (getting a family therapist who meets with the entire family, including your son when he’s ready, may be very useful). Being a sibling of someone struggling with substances or a mental health issue is very confusing. Others have written about it, as in this article from 2015.

Hang in there. Keep doing what you’re doing. Yes, it may be that your son has always smoked in the house. The vaping makes it so discreet now. Remember, as you said, it’s information… now you know better when he’s stoned, because you hear him cough in the bathroom before showering. Shower = high = chill

Try not to address the use for now. Talking about using and treatment needs to be done only at the right moment, when you see an appropriate opening to talk treatment.

You can be more effective right now by shifting your behavior and communication as described in Learning Modules 5 and 6: is he using right now or not?

CRAFT works. It takes a while. It is the best way to clean up the immediate environment around the person who is using drugs. It is what you can do. So give it another 4-6 weeks. Hang in there. You’re doing well and I so appreciate hearing the details of how it’s going and what you are thinking. Here’s to hope in 2019.

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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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