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Loved One Using in the House

Dominique Simon January 2, 2019
1 Comment
vaping

Hopefulin2018 reaches out about her Loved One now using in their home. She’s concerned about his apathy and lack of respect for the family and home. With other family members now becoming more aware of the use, how do we support them as well? Is it appropriate to share information about CRAFT with younger family members?

Our son’s crossed a line and is using in our home. I suspect my son has been vaping pot in the bathroom for sometime now. I’ve noticed he coughs each time before he gets in the shower. On the way to taking him to work I said it seems like he coughs a lot when he’s in the bathroom and that I hope he’s not vaping in the house. While he was at work, I found more pot, this time as THC oil cartridges, but he doesn’t know. I left it where I found it – using it as information. Read Hopefulin2018’s full comment here.

Dear Hopefulin2018 (and 2019 if I can add!)… Having other children in the house is hard for families who are focusing on the addiction of a Loved One. Parents or partners often focus more on the person with the addiction issue: the squeaky wheel, the one causing worry. Other children can end up feeling short-changed.

Your daughter is too young for CRAFT at this point. It hasn’t been tested with family members under 18. It shouldn’t be a young person’s responsibility to address the addiction of an older sibling or a parent who is in trouble. You, can, however, continue to be honest and open with her. Explain how her brother is struggling with drugs and alcohol, how you and your partner are getting expert help to support him.

Your daughter needs time and a safe place to say how she feels. It may be that she would benefit from a family meeting with a therapist (getting a family therapist who meets with the entire family, including your son when he’s ready, may be very useful). Being a sibling of someone struggling with substances or a mental health issue is very confusing. Others have written about it, as in this article from 2015.

Hang in there. Keep doing what you’re doing. Yes, it may be that your son has always smoked in the house. The vaping makes it so discreet now. Remember, as you said, it’s information… now you know better when he’s stoned, because you hear him cough in the bathroom before showering. Shower = high = chill

Try not to address the use for now. Talking about using and treatment needs to be done only at the right moment, when you see an appropriate opening to talk treatment.

You can be more effective right now by shifting your behavior and communication as described in Learning Modules 5 and 6: is he using right now or not?

CRAFT works. It takes a while. It is the best way to clean up the immediate environment around the person who is using drugs. It is what you can do. So give it another 4-6 weeks. Hang in there. You’re doing well and I so appreciate hearing the details of how it’s going and what you are thinking. Here’s to hope in 2019.

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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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Do I Want to Have Children With Him?

There’s nothing simple about such a question. But here are some pointers in the search for answers. Whits wants children and loves her partner. But is she prepared to raise children with someone who’s progress with his SUD is uncertain? No one, of course, can answer that for her. But if there is a way forward together, it will require compassionate communication, as well as boundaries and self-care. That’s where the CRAFT approach can be so powerfully helpful.

Laurie MacDougall September 23, 2022
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The Discussion Blog on the Allies Website: Excerpts From One Member’s Journey

An important component of any member’s successful journey on the Allies website is participation in the expertly-moderated Discussion Blog. There, CRAFT/AIR trained staff interact with members by answering questions in both regular replies and in full, expert blog response posts offering guidance that any member can access. Members see other members sharing questions, frustrations, and successes similar to theirs, and also they often see how the Learning Modules are effectively used as referenced by our team experts and by members. We also offer dozens of supplementary podcasts by members of our Allied Team, discussing real situations with Loved Ones and using the CRAFT approach.

Dominique Simon July 1, 2022
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A Message from Founder, Dominique Simon-Levine

Founder & CEO, Dominique Simon-Levine, offers an update about the Allies in Recovery program, including new offerings and activities. Thank you all for being so patient as we navigated through the many hassles and challenges associated with developing and building our new website. We are so very grateful for YOU! (Pictured Left to Right: Nicole Castillo, Andrew Maxwell, Deborah Rodriguez, Sandra Munier)

Dominique Simon June 24, 2022
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You Don’t Have to Live in Manhattan to Access Recovery Services

And if AA isn’t what your Loved One’s after, there are usually alternatives
Kspring has been supporting her son on his recovery journey for years.
He’s come a long way, but the challenges still feel immense, and Kspring
is actively seeking new recovery resources that could offer a hand. Allies’
Laurie MacDougall did some digging. What she found underscores just
how much is out there—much of it independent of Zip code.

Laurie MacDougall April 26, 2022
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LEAVE A COMMENT / ASK A QUESTION

In your comments, please show respect for each other and do not give advice. Please consider that your choice of words has the power to reduce stigma and change opinions (ie, "person struggling with substance use" vs. "addict", "use" vs. "abuse"...)

  1. hopefulin2018 January 2, 2019

    As always, you provide such great insight and support. With each response I understand more clearly. Thank you.

    My daughter is hesitant to talk with a therapist, but it’s something I mention once in a while to keep the possibility open. It’s not fair that she has to grow up with this situation. However, our relationship with our daughter is very good and I find the effect CRAFT has on me also helps me be a better parent for her, particularly since I’ve learned to chill and make my self care more of a priority.

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