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It’s Time to Leave

Danger Live Wire

laurmulhdl's Loved One is living back at home even after multiple restraining orders. She has experienced his instability, theft and violence, along with the rest of their family. She's even sectioned him twice. With him there, she is scared. She wants to move out on her own… but should she give him more time?

My son is now living at home. He is 22 and is a daily pot user. He claims to be in recovery from cocaine and meth, but does not have a problem with alcohol or pot. He typically does not hold a job for more than a week or so. No other family members will allow him to live with them because of theft and violence. I have had him sectioned twice, and multiple restraining orders. I have lost all of my friends, and feel very isolated. I was recently assaulted, and my son got to the phone before I and I was the one arrested. I felt safer in a jail cell. Mind you – I have no record at all, not even a speeding ticket. He is now living back at home, and it is very scary. I just finished cancer treatment, with no help from him, while he urinates in bottles in the basement because he is to lazy to go to the bathroom upstairs, and the rest of the family says this is "normal", and he will grow out of it. I have since started the CRAFT self-care group, and am going to a weekly support group. I have not made any decisions on what to do. My plan is to give it no more than six months, and to move, without him. Move into a one bedroom, I have voiced this ~ much to the dismay of my family ~ hoping that I will not. I have drained my finances, and feel nothing but darkness when I go home. Does anyone have any suggestions or experienced anything like this with just marijuana.

We are here. We are listening. It it certainly understandable that things feel dark when you come home. First, and most importantly, we want you to get yourself into a safe place. You can do CRAFT, once you are safe. Until then, we would not recommend changing anything you do as a result of what you read or view on this site. When safety is an immediate concern, that takes precedence over practicing CRAFT.

While much of what we suggest on this site is meant to calm things and de-escalate tense situations, from your description it sounds like your situation is actively dangerous. Getting you someplace away from your son would be the first step to take.

Here are the numbers to call nationally. 1-800-799-7233 is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can use the Contact Us form on this site to  tell us where in the country you are, and we will help you look for some help in your area.

Your son is ill. He may be maintaining well enough on alcohol and pot, but his use of cocaine and methamphetamine are an indication of the severity of his past use. No one else in the family is willing to open up their home to him due to his theft and violence. This is a serious concern. Taking care of yourself, having a safe place to come home to, and having supporting people around you is of utmost importance.

You cannot help your son with his life, not now. Nor is it your responsibility to do so. He is an adult who has assaulted you. Down the road, with some distance and time, CRAFT can help you help your son. It does not sound like now is the time for that. You are not in a position to gently guide your son through small shifts in communication and wait for the wishes and dips. His past – and present – use and behavior does not make room for that kind of engagement. It sounds like you have given him all of your resources, time and patience over the years. You have not been able to experience the healing you needed – and need. In this situation, waiting it out makes little sense at this point. You can accelerate your plan to live alone. What a shame that your family does not hear your urgent need to have a safe haven in your life. We hear this need loud and clear. Your instinct to move on your own is spot on.

It's also heartening to hear that you are using  our online support group and finding other support groups in your areas. These are sound practices and you are right to seek out a supportive community in any way that you can. Good for you. 

We are so glad you reached out. What a terrible feeling to have this level of conflict in your home. We are reaching back out to you with all of the love and support in our hearts. Please let us know where you are via Contact Us or private message so that we can help connect you to support in your area that can help you in a more significant way right now. We’ll be waiting to help.



In your comments, please show respect for each other and do not give advice. Please consider that your choice of words has the power to reduce stigma and change opinions (ie, "person struggling with substance use" vs. "addict", "use" vs. "abuse"...)

  1. Thank you ~ how do I go about sending a private message. I did call the National number and waited on hold for over an hour and was unable to get through. The local police in our town are no help. The Chief of Police has a mother is an active alcoholic – so he typically does not deal well with domestic issues. There is another officer who is her other son, and he actively uses. The recovery coach in town is actively using. So, yes there are a lot of ” un said” factors. I am working with a therapist to move along the moving process, have a safety plan in process. I do think and my gut says he is on something other than pot right now, and he hides it very well. Regardless CRAFT is helping for me, and my actions, and this site is also. It is helping my peace of mind.

    1. Thank you for updating us… How tragic that the resources in your town are such a far cry from the support you need. It’s good to hear that you called the hotline, I’m so sorry that you had to wait for all that time and didn’t even get through. What a disappointment.

      We will be back in touch shortly. In the meantime, to contact us privately, the easiest way is to go to the Community tab on the top right and select “Contact the Air Team.” Please use this feature to let us know where you are. We will work on finding more resources for you.

      We are glad that you are working with a therapist to keep things moving. Keep doing what you are doing. Sending you love and strength.

  2. I am so sorry for the trauma occurring in your everyday life. It is heartbreaking and scary at the same time.
    Please find a safe place to rest. I think you might have a refreshed outlook in a new environment. You may even find a small community of people in the same boat whom you can share your story with. It’s tough handling heavy situations like this without the support of family.
    You are working with groups now which is wonderful. I can’t help but think a new environment is in order to help you grow in understanding, with less self doubt and a clearer understanding to reflect on.

  3. You are in deep distress, and I’m so glad you are part of two support groups. In similar circumstances, I have made the decision to simply ignore my family for the time being. My understanding of the CRAFT response is that if violence is involved, you should call the police. It is not something we can handle by ourselves. Not knowing more than what you wrote, and I’m sure there are many unsaid details and I don’t know what a sectioning is, I wonder if you should consider telling him he has 24 hours (or less!) to pack his things and leave, or you will call the police and have him arrested for trespassing, domestic violence, and theft. If you feel that giving him a heads up would be unsafe, it may be best to call the police without warning.

    How can a parent evict an adult child? What a deeply painful decision to have to make on one hand, but I’m trying hard to see this decision as something that could very much be in the child’s best interest in the long run. Why? In part because your son must get the message that he can’t treat you or any other person the way he’s been treating you. I wish you strength during this challenging time. None of us should have to live with somebody who is violent.

    I’ve been around the block with a domestic violence issue. It made our lives a living hell for a few years. The police and DYS involvement has been a very positive experience for my juvenile age son. He really was able to learn to manage his violent anger with five months of lock up combined with a therapeutic residential home. Not sure about adult police intervention.