laurmulhdl's Loved One is living back at home even after multiple restraining orders. She has experienced his instability, theft and violence, along with the rest of their family. She's even sectioned him twice. With him there, she is scared. She wants to move out on her own… but should she give him more time?
My son is now living at home. He is 22 and is a daily pot user. He claims to be in recovery from cocaine and meth, but does not have a problem with alcohol or pot. He typically does not hold a job for more than a week or so. No other family members will allow him to live with them because of theft and violence. I have had him sectioned twice, and multiple restraining orders. I have lost all of my friends, and feel very isolated. I was recently assaulted, and my son got to the phone before I and I was the one arrested. I felt safer in a jail cell. Mind you – I have no record at all, not even a speeding ticket. He is now living back at home, and it is very scary. I just finished cancer treatment, with no help from him, while he urinates in bottles in the basement because he is to lazy to go to the bathroom upstairs, and the rest of the family says this is "normal", and he will grow out of it. I have since started the CRAFT self-care group, and am going to a weekly support group. I have not made any decisions on what to do. My plan is to give it no more than six months, and to move, without him. Move into a one bedroom, I have voiced this ~ much to the dismay of my family ~ hoping that I will not. I have drained my finances, and feel nothing but darkness when I go home. Does anyone have any suggestions or experienced anything like this with just marijuana.
We are here. We are listening. It it certainly understandable that things feel dark when you come home. First, and most importantly, we want you to get yourself into a safe place. You can do CRAFT, once you are safe. Until then, we would not recommend changing anything you do as a result of what you read or view on this site. When safety is an immediate concern, that takes precedence over practicing CRAFT.
While much of what we suggest on this site is meant to calm things and de-escalate tense situations, from your description it sounds like your situation is actively dangerous. Getting you someplace away from your son would be the first step to take.
Here are the numbers to call nationally. 1-800-799-7233 is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can use the Contact Us form on this site to tell us where in the country you are, and we will help you look for some help in your area.
Your son is ill. He may be maintaining well enough on alcohol and pot, but his use of cocaine and methamphetamine are an indication of the severity of his past use. No one else in the family is willing to open up their home to him due to his theft and violence. This is a serious concern. Taking care of yourself, having a safe place to come home to, and having supporting people around you is of utmost importance.
You cannot help your son with his life, not now. Nor is it your responsibility to do so. He is an adult who has assaulted you. Down the road, with some distance and time, CRAFT can help you help your son. It does not sound like now is the time for that. You are not in a position to gently guide your son through small shifts in communication and wait for the wishes and dips. His past – and present – use and behavior does not make room for that kind of engagement. It sounds like you have given him all of your resources, time and patience over the years. You have not been able to experience the healing you needed – and need. In this situation, waiting it out makes little sense at this point. You can accelerate your plan to live alone. What a shame that your family does not hear your urgent need to have a safe haven in your life. We hear this need loud and clear. Your instinct to move on your own is spot on.
It's also heartening to hear that you are using our online support group and finding other support groups in your areas. These are sound practices and you are right to seek out a supportive community in any way that you can. Good for you.
We are so glad you reached out. What a terrible feeling to have this level of conflict in your home. We are reaching back out to you with all of the love and support in our hearts. Please let us know where you are via Contact Us or private message so that we can help connect you to support in your area that can help you in a more significant way right now. We’ll be waiting to help.