Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

I’m Not the One Who’s Sending Him to Jail

jail - release

Member 1Sugarbear has been caught in a long cycle of “bailing out” their Loved One after every relapse. Sometimes it’s been money for rehab, sometimes lawyers to keep him out of jail. Is it time to break that cycle? Loving someone doesn’t mean shouldering responsibility for all the choices they make. 

jail - release
© lonestarbail.com

     “How can I explain to my son why I will not pay for another lawyer without shaming him? He is looking at more jail time and possibly prison. It breaks my heart, but our family has spent so much money on rehab and lawyers and he always relapses. We told him as he left the last time that we love him but will not help financially when he gets in trouble again. Now he is pleading but not doing anything to lead me to believe he is serious about recovery. He just doesn’t want to spend more time in jail. He can’t seem to understand why I am “letting him” go to jail for a probation violation. I don’t know how to keep saying that I’m not letting him do anything. He chose to use again and break a few laws while high. He jumps from meanness to pitiful pleading and back. I hold my stance, but I’m so rattled by the time he’s finished I feel like I am the one doing something wrong!”

He’s pushing buttons because he knows that’s worked before

My initial response is that he is bullying you, including the “woe is me” pity-party part. These behaviors are designed not so much to hurt you per se. They’re designed to push buttons that make you snap to attention because they hurt or scare you. The difference is subtle but meaningful. Anyway, when you sense you can do so safely, try not to snap to attention (figuratively or literally).

As you know, CRAFT has the family member identify ways to reward their Loved One (in moments of non-use) and remove rewards, including your presence, in moments of use. Or in this case, in moments of behaviors you don’t wish to reward.

Some rewards you may currently be giving him, whether or not you’re aware of it, include:

– your attention in general,

– helping him lawyer up,

– the possibility of getting him out of this new jam,

– listening while he holds you hostage talking endlessly about himself and the criminal justice stuff: thus keeping you close, in the fold, helping him feel less scared about the circumstances.

Could the support you give take a different form? 

Your son feels helpless, caught, and you’re one of his main outs. Not his only out, probably, but Mom is dependable and has been a source of cash and emotional support over the years. She mops things up. She will do it again if he complains enough.

What if you tell him the money that you have left can only be spent on recovery help, when he gets out and is ready?

Hold your stance. Your son is likely going to turn up the volume at first when you change things. But hang tight, and we predict he’ll start to settle when he sees you’re serious. Any amount of time you can keep this boundary will be time well spent, pushing the responsibility incrementally onto your son and off of you.

Stepping out of the role he expects you to play 

Whose responsibility is this addiction, anyway? Where did it come from? Early family life? Childhood peers? Genetic vulnerability? Adverse childhood events? The government? The wider social, political, and economic forces that have created an epidemic of loneliness and despair in the U.S.?

None of the above. In his mind, the responsible party is Mom. Somehow you are in control of whether he goes to jail and whether he is held responsible for crimes he recently committed to get or stay high while on probation.

Consider letting him work with a public defender, and sit pre-trial in jail, if this is what happens because of the new violations. Try hard not to bail him out.

A probation infraction, due to drug use/addiction, should get the attention of the court. The court should recognize that the nature of the charges and the probation infraction are related to underlying addiction.

Courts, in turn, are recognizing that treatment for addiction is the better way. Today more and more folks like your son are being mandated to treatment. Public defenders know this well.

Let the system into your son’s life. I’ve written some about jails (click on the “jail” tag to the right). They aren’t always the hell holes families imagine.  Shaming isn’t helpful, perhaps something like this:

“Son, we have gone around and around over the years when it comes to your drug use and the trouble it causes you. I’m afraid this time, I am the one who is going to try and step away some. My/Our money isn’t endless, what I/we have left I am saving to help you get back on your feet when you are ready to try recovery work. I/we therefore do not have the money to pay for a private attorney. I hate addiction and what it is doing to our lives, you and me. I love you and am not going anywhere.”

Your own wellness is part of the equation 

Step away from responsibility as best you can. And at the same time, go easy on yourself. Not intervening will take strength and energy just as intervening has. CRAFT can help: Module 7 offers training and strategies for self-care.

Take it incrementally. Perhaps you start by not paying for a private lawyer. Whatever steps you take, remember that the path ahead must be emotionally tolerable for you as well. You must care for yourself in order to care for him. Please let us know how it goes!

Loading

Related Posts from "Discussion Blog"

What Do We Have to Look Forward To?

Supporting a Loved one with SUD means different things to different people. Meggie, for example, comes from a family that’s confronted the disorder through “tough love”—leaving the Loved One to deal with their addiction entirely alone. This never felt right to Meggie, who wanted to fight alongside her husband for his recovery. When she discovered CRAFT, she soon realized it was designed to help her do just that. Nonetheless, thoughts of the future still leave her anxious. What if he’s in and out of jail for a long time to come? Isabel Cooney reminds us that so much depends on what we tell ourselves about both the present and the possible future.

Straight to Treatment After Jail? Do I Stick to My Guns?

Sometimes we can see the likely future: our Loved One returns to the shelter of home, hides away in their room, and simply doesn’t get the treatment they need to make progress with their SUD. Allies’ member HelenBo doesn’t want to see that happen with her son, who is struggling with heroin and other substances. What other housing options will he have upon release? As Laurie MacDougall writes, there are often more than we realize. At the same time, such transitions are critical moments for our Loved Ones. Having a list of specific housing and treatment options at hand—along with the CRAFT skills to communicate about them effectively—can make all the difference.

Cutting Him Off Entirely Isn’t the Answer—Is It?

We’ve all heard the argument: cut the cord. Let them sink to rock bottom. They’ve made their bed; now they have to lie in it. Recently, Allies member erinlewis was offered this sort of advice concerning her teenage son. Data and experience have shown that such an approach is usually the wrong one for our Loved Ones—but maintaining a connection doesn’t mean that anything goes. Laurie MacDougall walks us through a CRAFT-informed approach to self-care, boundaries, and the balancing act of connection and accountability.

When Stepping Back Is the Best Help You Can Give

No one wants a Loved One to suffer. No one wants a Loved One to relapse. But in our worry about such possibilities, we can stumble into behaviors that stand in the way of change—behaviors that make problematic substance use easier for our Loved Ones than it otherwise would be. Fortunately, CRAFT can help us learn to offer support within our chosen boundaries: the kind of support that truly encourages progress.

About This Whole “Engage When They’re Not Using” Business…

If you’ve worked your way through Allies’ eLearning Modules, you’re already familiar with the concept: when our Loved One (LO) is using, we remove rewards and allow for natural consequences. When they’re not using, we reward them right away. But as member BRIGHTSIDE has been finding, the real-life timing can be a challenge. Laurie MacDougall reviews the fundamentals of this process, and shares ideas for getting creative when the lines seem blurred.

What Is Our Role? Underlying Feelings and Beliefs We Have About Our Loved Ones

Like many of us who have Loved Ones struggling with SUD, Allies member Binnie knows that trust is a delicate matter. Can we trust our Loved Ones to take care of themselves? Do we believe they have the capacity? Or do we think they’re so damaged that they can’t function without our stepping in? Isabel Cooney reflects on how trust is explored in a recent Allies podcast, and offers her own insightful take on this vital subject.

Evidence From Oregon: Decriminalizing Drugs Can’t Solve Every Problem, but It’s an Important Step All the Same

Oregon has just rescinded Measure 110, the historic law that decriminalized possession of small amounts of hard drugs. But the reasoning behind the rollback is muddled. As guest author Christina Dent reveals, M110 took the blame for spikes in lethal overdoses, homelessness, and public drug use, none of which it likely caused. Rather, she argues that the law represented a small but important step forward. In the effort to end the drug crisis, its repeal is a loss.