I Hate the Junkie He Has Become
jezabelle needs to find peace. "It's either him or me," she writes.
"It's me again. My son is high again … I've had him sectioned twice and I'm looking for a third time just so I can get some peace. I'm at the point where if he overdosed it would be ok with me. I just can't take it anymore It's either him or me. I hate the junkie he has become…He is a junkie plain and simple.. He has a job and leaves it or gets fired in two weeks. Gets a check and spends it on drugs. I hate him I can't believe he choses this life. Help me Please help me."
Dear Jezabelle: I am so sorry to hear your son is using opiates again. You have written before about the pain this causes you and the hard decisions you’ve had to make, including having him civilly committed twice.
There are a couple things I’d like to say.
The first is that your son is far from the point of having any choice about getting high. He long ago crossed that line. Your son is ill with a condition that has taken over his mind and body. Without consistent focus and effort, the drugs win. You have seen this in him before. When the drugs win, so do the manipulation, lies, and hateful behavior directed at you.
It would shake any parent to their core. It is deeply affecting.
If you can see the drug use as a physical and psychological illness, perhaps you can begin to step away even a little, to take it slightly less personally.
This isn’t about you for him. You are his lifeline and he will do anything to get what he needs from you to get high.
Pull yourself away just enough to see the situation as CRAFT would suggest. Look at how you are reacting, what you are saying and doing. Find a way each day to get a calming breath. You are right to think of treatment. A civil commitment may be the answer. Look at detox and crisis stabilization in Massachusetts. Go through the Learning Modules again to get your center back and to engage him back into treatment.
You need to do your part in this. Take the next 24 hours to retool. Families are so exhausted and frantic but the work remains. Just as you ask your son to address his addiction, you can try as best you can to do your part and look at the CRAFT modules.
The last time your son was committed, he convinced you to let him out. He said he was done with drugs. He almost certainly meant it then. But this isn’t how you get and stay abstinent. What did he do to protect himself from relapse after his release? Was he getting the message of recovery every day? Promising to stay sober on one given day doesn’t earn you sobriety. The problem is chronic and demands an active long-term solution.
You are angry at him now, but please, dust yourself off, find that calming breath, go to a support meeting, and watch the modules again. You son’s addiction affects you deeply. Your life is not your own. CRAFT shows you the way out.
We are here.
I have a question but am not sure where to ask it.
The question I have for you is “ Do I want to know?” My son is addicted to dabs and we feel that his behavior has taking him into new drugs. I saw a photo of him with pinpoint pupils and my heart sinks our relationship is bad.
My husband has a good relationship with him. He has pulled away from my family and has asked for money a few time which is uncommon. ( He is a functioning addict.)
I don’t deal well with him as is. Adopting the Craft principles is hard for me. We have never really gotten along well.
Do I want to know? I am trying my best to practice self care but is is very difficult. I am confident that knowing more will send me off the deep end.
We have boundaries in place and keep working towards laying them Dow . The thought of him using heroin is enough to knock me to
My knees. Do I want to know the truth? Is it important that I do? Please help!
Dear Mama,
I wish I was near to sit beside you as you ask these questions out loud. I have a feeling this is not the first time you’ve posed them. I feel your concern, heartache and fear just reading your words. I know this place all to well, I lived it too.
“Do I want to know?” is a question no one can truly answer for you. There really is no best answer, no right or wrong. If there is a chance he is doing harder things, gear up in preparation, and then let your soul rest. I suggest finding out what you can about safety when it comes to those substances…read the blogs and follow the modules and training on here, speak with professionals, always have Narcan (I keep it in the house even still, and my son is six years in recovery doesn’t live in the state, it never hurts to have it!). And then again, let your soul rest.
Maybe keep an open mind to all possibilities, but don’t necessarily seek information out. It depends on what you feel is best for you. When it concerned our son, somehow information always seemed to come to us. I didn’t have to dig too deep, or wait too long for something show up and let us in on what was going on. I personally tend to be the type who likes to jump right into the pool, versus easing in (in relation to facing the hard truths). But that doesn’t mean it’s less painful. I always prepared for the worst case scenario (as much as that’s possible), but believed for the best.
Continue to ask questions, seek information and support on pages like this one. Find a parent support meeting if possible. You will find comfort, help and healthy direction there. And continue to work toward protecting your own peace and sanity – which your son needs you to have. The healthier you are, the healthier the situation will become, even if it gets rocky for a time.
I think it’s good that one of you (your husband) has a relationship with him during this. Try not to think of any of these dynamics in terms of now is forever. Things can change in a moment. His heart can turn away from him, toward you, or in another direction quickly. Once I had a firm grasp of that, I was able to process through the hurt of the loss of closeness between my son and I (which I believed to be temporary), and believe for healing in the future (which did occur, we are a million miles from where we were).
I viewed the pain and turmoil in our relationship as weather, we were in a stormy season for sure…but seasons change. That perspective gave me hope. This too shall pass. I tell people all the time that they are welcome to use my mantra from those days, “It ain’t over yet.” Those were the words I said over and over, no matter how bad things got.
As long as there’s breath, there’s hope…and he is still breathing, it ain’t over yet.
I wish you well, you’re not alone.
Annie
Wow! Thank you for the most beautiful, sincere response! Not only was it inspiring but it was so
Needed. It came at the perfect time!
Viewing this in terms of seasons is very helpful to me. Especially since it is about to be spring. Renewed hope surrounds my environment up here in Canada. I am going to take that to heart!
Thank you so very much for taking the time to share your insights.
Thanks Annie!
You are so welcome! Seeing it in seasons saved my mind. Renewed hope, I love that!
You never know what a day will bring!
Much love and hope to you,
Annie