He Detoxed from Xanax & Now Won’t Speak to Me
After a recent series of events, gmouse0238 says she and her son are now estranged and not speaking…
"My son abuses Xanax. He lives with his girlfriend who also uses, and is very controlling. He is co-dependent with her. Recently he got fired from his job for using while working. I brought him to the ER and he entered a 3 day detox. It was a disaster. He is angrier at me than ever. I admit I approached this crisis using anger, guilting, and controlling behavior, but this was before I enrolled in AiR. We are now estranged and not speaking."
You did the right thing taking your son to the ER and getting him into detox. Perhaps the method you used to engage him could use a little tweaking, that would be true for many of us upon learning that the drug use is serious. Xanax is a benzodiazepine, an anti-anxiety drug that is dangerous to withdraw from. Seizures during withdrawal can cause death.
Your son listened to you and entered a detoxification unit. He is mad at you and you are now estranged.
You may have saved his life. You also signaled to him that what he is doing is dangerous and requires inpatient medical treatment.
Certainly, we can always improve our interactions with Loved Ones. Being angry and scared rarely leads us to put our best foot forward. CRAFT suggests we get ourselves calm before stepping in; that we be more careful with what comes out of our mouths; that we be strategic in addressing the substance use.
So, welcome. There are modules on communication, self care, engaging into treatment. You’ll do better next time. It’s a steep learning curve but jump on in, you’ll feel better about yourself quickly and will hopefully build back a bridge between you and your son that will have him coming to you when he feels down or when he is ready for a positive change in his life.
We’ve written elsewhere about intimate partners who also use (see topic: "partners also uses") While it may even be true that she uses more or is, to a degree, to blame for your son’s situation, there is not much you can do about his relationship. Focusing on your son’s girlfriend will frustrate you. It will take your eye off your son’s substance use. “Butting in,” as your son will almost certainly see it, will cause conflict between the two of you.
So, for now, perhaps you let your son know how his use is affecting you. Don’t talk about him, talk about you. Don’t talk about the drug use, talk about the sleep problems, the distraction at work, the pre-occupation. Own your part:"I’m sorry. I was controlling. I made you feel guilty. I will try hard not to do that again." … You will try harder to find ways to calm down and to respect him and his decisions. “I love you dearly and am here to help when you want help.”
Perhaps a text or a note? Being brief is one of the main communication tips in Learning Module 4. So leave it there for now.
There are family members on this site that have been where you are. It is not the end, it is a start to isolating the substance use, learning how to react to it, finding ways to settle yourself down, and engaging your Loved One into treatment. You’ll see from others who have written in, you can go several rounds before you get traction. Don’t give up on your son. Be gentle with yourself and with him. Build that bridge between you and have treatment ready for when he tells you it hurts.
Thank you for writing in. Check in as you go. We are all learning from each other here.
the remainder of 2018 was tough for Jack, but he managed to get 2 jobs and although he has no car ( the one we bought for him was “repossessed” by us due to irresponsibility and non payment) he walks or skateboards to his jobs. I thought things were ok, although it is a constant struggle for him to make ends meet and live on his own.
Then, this past sunday, he relapsed. Two days later, he is in withdrawls and can barely keep it together, crying and overemotional. I’m afraid he’s going to lose another job.
Maybe I am only projecting my experience onto yours yet I sense fear. My experience is that It is impossible to think or see beforehand the produce of love and trust in the process of recovery and using this CRAFT method yet the Higher Power of recovery has thoughts that are not my thoughts and ways that are not my ways because as the abode of my Higher Power is above me so are the thoughts of HP higher than my thoughts and the ways of my HP higher than my ways. If I am trapped in fear I think recovery for my LO is much, much, much, much more of a burden and difficult.
I think the road to recovery is a process and a cycle like Dominique has clearly taught. Relapse is a step forward in the recovery cycle if we learn the facts of the process, accept our role in the process, focus on our controllables in the process and learn to enjoy the process. I must learn the process, accept my role, create the conditions and room to be ambivalent for my LO, listen for opportunities, plan the route to rehab/treatment/growth of the LO, trust and enjoy the process. I have experienced that being afraid of fear is the ultimate negative to being able to do that.
I think being afraid of fear is the ultimate negator of all the best intentions, wisdom and plans. Meaning, fear should only energize me to scan the horizon and act, like if I hear a noise outside the front door then go and listen and make sure the door is locked and yet once I’ve addressed the “cause” of the fear then get back to relax mode. When I am afraid, gripped with fear, my LO mirrors that and is triggered and afraid. And my LO picks up clearly that my recovery and their own are both on their shoulders.
Love is the opposite and is relaxed yet I’ve found through CRAFT that when I am afraid I can’t follow my tasks and controllables through all the modules. Yet if I learn to process fear and let go of it then I can and do in a relaxed and thorough manner. I can trust the process, trust my HP, trust my CRAFT skills and Al Anon program, and extend trust to my LO because I trust the process and know that to become trustworthy in recovery my LO must make the right choice at the moment they feel the stress of life, triggered and “squirrelly” or “dry drunk”. If, out of fear, I keep getting in the way of my LO every time they face their triggers, then I am inadvertently sabotaging their steps in their walk to attain trustworthiness in recovery. They must learn to trust themselves and earn the trust of others and I trust this is only possible by trusting the process and eventually getting to the place in the process where I trust them as many times as it take to face their triggers(demons) and choose recovery. My LO learns trustworthiness only in the context of trust. Like a batter in baseball I must let them step up to the plate once again even if they’ve struck out 7 times in a row; right? That is the tough part. That is the process I must learn to enjoy(that sounds crazy yet what I have gleaned from CRAFT).
I am able to create the conditions I trust are conducive to recovery(based on CRAFT) only when I am at peace myself. I consider fear something I must recover from to be a positive participant in the CRAFT process. I am so sure I actively maintain an attitude and perspective of that when trouble rears its ugly head I will rule over it with this dedication to process fear and return to my HP, my trust, my morale, my trust in the process, and my peace of mind and love for my LO. Then, and only then, I can create a charitable environment for my LOs only from a place of generosity, charity and love and not fear. I can give myself and them room to breath and make choices. Yet I will deal with the LOs choices, good and bad, as I just describe.
The opposite is when fear grips me I grip my LOs and they cannot bear the weight of both of our recoveries. I think processing it properly, not resisting it or being “afraid of fear”, is the proper way for me anyway to “recover from fear”. Fear isn’t something for me to resist or be afraid of and yet to detect, be aware of, accept, process, act(if it is a rational fear based on real sense and not simply a negative belief that “I deserve only the worst and so here it comes” type fear). This is simply my account of all I’ve been through in this journey and the learning I have summarized: recovery from fear is my recovery and if I can do that then I can do CRAFT. If I cannot, then my LO will have to bear both my addiction to fear and their own addiction and I am pretty sure that the odds of doing that anytime soon is slimmer than if the LO is able to find their way to recovery without another “monkey” on their back; namely my addiction to fear. I hope that helps, I learned this from this experience and sharing it gives my life meaning.
If, out of fear, I keep getting in the way of my LO every time they face their triggers, then I am inadvertently sabotaging their steps in their walk to attain trustworthiness in recovery. They must learn to trust themselves and earn the trust of others and I trust this is only possible by trusting the process and eventually getting to the place in the process where I trust them as many times as it take to face their triggers(demons) and choose recovery. My LO learns trustworthiness only in the context of trust. Like a batter in baseball I must let them step up to the plate once again even if they’ve struck out 7 times in a row; right? That is the tough part. That is the process I must learn to enjoy(that sounds crazy yet what I have gleaned from CRAFT).
Well said. Thank you 228.
Your son abuses benzodiazepines, a type of drug used to treat anxiety. This medication calms people down and is frequently abused in conjunction with alcohol. Withdrawal from benzos can be dangerous. These and alcohol are the two drugs from which you can have seizures in withdrawal. Last time, you were able to get him into a detoxification program. Two days of use may not require this level of care, but I’d like to see him get a professional assessment nevertheless.
Withdrawal from benzos is very, very uncomfortable. Read Dominique Simon-Levine’s full response here: https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-relapse-and-loss
I just noticed this response to my entry. thank you so much for the support and advice. Things with my son have not changed. He is still angry and hateful towards me. I recently reached out to him just to check in and he let me know without mincing words that I haven’t checked in with him often enough and that it was a “mom’s job to check in on her drug addict son”. I just want to cry.
You are doing what you can with regards to your son. Being made to feel guilty is not helpful to either of you. It is a ploy to keep you at arm’s reach, in his pocket, and at-the-ready for when he needs something.
Try not to take this too personally.