After seeing her son battle his SUD and bi-polar disorder for 20 years, Motherof2 has finally found the strength to seek help for herself, too. Her adult son went to a treatment facility, but didn't stay. He is now squatting at her place as he has no home. Even though our member feels burnt out and hopeless, she wants to move forward and help him.
"How do I go forward with my adult son? Aged 43. Currently homeless. Lived with me until I asked him to leave last February. I let him return in August after a month in jail on non-drug related charges. He got a job but worked only 3 months, refused to be accountable for his money. He got so drugged that his personality changed even his voice. I ended up having a meltdown making me realize that I needed help. I’m in therapy. He has been using meth, cocaine and smoking weed. He went to Rehab in May but didn’t complete the program. He has 4 children, that I helped him raise (youngest 3 are teenagers). 20 years of addiction plus diagnosed with psychotic disorder bi-polar. Has services through local mental health facility when he will take advantage of them."
20 years of Substance Use Disorder and battling a mental illness is a long time. I know it can feel insurmountable and hopeless a lot of the time. I can also hear that you feel you may have to come to a crisis point. I also noticed some real positive points in your comment. Often times it isn’t until things become incredibly difficult that we make change. It sounds like having a melt-down and then reaching out for help for yourself was incredibly positive. Not only is this an important step for you in taking care of your needs, but it also great modeling for your son and your 4 grandchildren. Getting you as healthy as possible, both physically and mentally, is of the utmost importance for everyone.
It is also wonderful that you have come to the Allies in Recovery website. By now you've probably had a chance to watch the video modules and do the Key Observation activities that are presented alongside them. As you start practicing CRAFT with your son, you may want to watch the video modules again. What you learn from them today, with the struggles and perspective of yesterday, is different from what you’ll learn from them two weeks from now, with the teachings and developments of tomorrow. CRAFT will allow you to stay engaged with them and learn how to communicate, come in closer when they're not using and step away when they're using, and set healthy, effective boundaries.
At first I didn't understand how learning communication skills would help me manage my own feelings
The curriculum on this site has taught me how to take care of myself and balance my needs at the same time. It actually helped me stay connected with my Loved One. At first when I started using CRAFT I could not understand how learning new communication skills and interactive strategies was going to improve how I was managing my feelings and emotions, but I can tell you that it did. In a big way. The skills I learned gave me more confidence in my interactions with my Loved One and changed me as person.
Certainly, it is important to take the time you need to gain some strength, as well as some peace and serenity, before interacting again with your son. In the meantime, watching the videos and doing the accompanying exercises then practicing, practicing, practicing, will equip you with the basics. Take your time and try and implement them a little at a time. You could practice with your grandchildren, as the skills taught work for many types of relationships.
Find support, not just for your Loved One but for yourself!
Finding support from other moms and families that know how you feel and have been through similar situations can be very helpful. And even better would be support from individuals that have some experience at attempting CRAFT with their Loved One. There are three groups that offer online support that I can think of that could help you:
Kayla Solomon’s group for Allies in Recovery members on Wednesday evenings, details here;
REST: an online face-to-face group that meets 3 times a week, and
SmartRecovery, also online.
All three groups are CRAFT-based and would help you to translate what you learn from the video modules to your everyday life.
Despite all the difficulties thus far, recovery can happen any time
I know that dealing with this illness for so long may have left you feeling lost and desperate, but please know that recovery can happen at any time. For some it takes many attempts and many years. I know of so many individuals in recovery today who were in active addiction 10, 20 even 30 years. This knowledge has kept me going, as well as trusting that no matter what happens with my son, I know I have done all that I can.
Your son recently went to treatment and didn’t complete the program. I know it can feel like this was a missed opportunity. However, from our point of view, it's also a sign that you might witness a more serious commitment from him in the future. Your son went to treatment: good, it's better than never having agreed to do so. Even though he didn’t complete the program, he did soak up some of the teachings and did realize that he needed help. This, in itself, is one of the great positives in your comment.
Addiction and recovery are different for everyone. One might use for 20 years, walk into a rehabilitation center and never use again. One might have to try treatment multiple times before it all makes sense. What matters from now on, is that with CRAFT you will gain skills that will improve your relationship with your son. CRAFT, and your efforts at applying it, will allow you and him to communicate more openly.
At some point, he might bring up treatment or you could be the one to talk about it — when it is best to do so. When this next happens, you will be better informed and better equipped to handle his reactions and yours. Likewise, should he decide to go to treatment again, this time, if negative feelings get in his way, he might come to you for support, thus improving his chance of sticking to the program.
Please know that we care. We care about you, your son, and your grandchildren. The Allies team and community is here for you. You are not alone, and if there is more that we can support you with please reach out again.
Laurie is a former math teacher, residing in Dartmouth, MA, and she’s extremely active in the recovery community. She currently devotes most of her energy to REST, a non-traditional support group that offers land and online video meetings, access to training in the CRAFT method, and a crisis toolkit helping families create their own individualized crisis plan. Her work is guided by a desire to improve the community’s response and end the stigma associated with Substance Use Disorder. Laurie loves skiing and ice hockey and is at her happiest when spending time with her husband and three children. Read her articles on our blog or tune in to the podcast she co-hosts for Allies in Recovery: Coming Up for Air.