Cutting Him Off Entirely Isn’t the Answer—Is It?

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We’ve all heard the argument: cut the cord. Let them sink to rock bottom. They’ve made their bed; now they have to lie in it. Recently, one of our members was offered this sort of advice concerning her teenage son. Data and experience have shown that such an approach is usually the wrong one for our Loved Ones—but maintaining a connection doesn’t mean that anything goes. Laurie MacDougall walks us through a CRAFT-informed approach to self-care, boundaries, and the balancing act of connection and accountability.

I am struggling with a situation with my son. He is nineteen, and since he was about fifteen, we have struggled with drug use and being pulled from home to live in boy’s homes, foster homes and detention centers. He has been living with his girlfriend, but their situation got out of control, with some violence, so he has a PFA [Protection From Abuse order] and is now living with his grandfather. He is drinking a lot now and says he isn’t using any other substances.

We had a very bad altercation with each other this week, and I didn’t handle it well at all. Hurtful things were said. I was feeling helpless, and I took a key and cut at my arm (side note: I have been on anti-anxiety medication for a while, but it has been recently changed, leaving me very emotional and dizzy). He called the police on me, and I went to the ER to try and get some help with my medication issues.

I have been speaking to a counselor who is telling me to stop communication with my son until I can get my boundaries set in place. She is telling me to not help him with food, anger, boredom, or whatever his current predicament is so that he can learn to figure things out on his own. The counselor is telling me that I am wrapping myself up too much in his life and trying to keep rescuing him. I totally understand her stance on this, but just cutting off contact is too hard for me, honestly. I have been one of the only people that is consistently there for him in his life. But I am also tired of being the only one. My son and I are very close and talk daily and I know I feel a huge amount of guilt over the things that have happened to him while he was placed out of home.

I guess my question is, is this the best way to keep going with him? Over the past few days, I have put up some boundaries—telling him I don’t want to talk if he’s drinking, telling him I won’t help him if he’s drinking, etc. He has three different court appearances next week and I’m not sure he can get himself to any of them, as they are out of town. Any advice would be appreciated.

Please, do not cut off communication with your son. You are someone—maybe the only one—he is talking to. I can well imagine that you are very involved in his life. He’s had a tough start, and the guilt you describe keeps you keeping on.

Research shows that the more recovery capital a person has, the more the opportunity for sustainability and positive life circumstances they have as well. Your continued connection and communication are a part of his recovery capital. I also wonder about the negative impact on you if you disconnect with your son. If you are interested in learning a bit more about the concept of recovery capital, you could start with the website Faces and Voices of Recovery.

Self-care and care for our Loved Ones go together—always

What’s important in your situation is to determine how take care of yourself and not be activated into self-harm while remaining connected to your son. At the same time, you need to change how you interact with him so that both of can move in a positive direction.

The first step is to work with your provider and get stable on your medication. If you are finding that you need to step back until you are feeling better, keep your interaction time with your son short and take the space you need to do some healing. Maybe limit that interaction to check-in calls to make sure everyone is OK, and then get off the phone.

That sort of change relates to a key component of the CRAFT skills and strategies you’ll learn here on the Allies website: finding ways to press the pause button and calm your own system down. CRAFT can help you learn alternative methods for coping with your emotions and thoughts, especially when you’re activated and might turn to self-harm. This is “system deregulation”—a dry term for a serious state of mind and feelings. Reacting when we are experiencing heightened thoughts and emotions is mostly not productive and can quite frankly be destructive. So, I would urge you to start with self-care.

In CRAFT, we learn and practice coping skills and strategies to help us work through those activating times and settle our system back down. When we can manage that, we’re much better able to move towards something productive. Check out Allies’ eLearning Module 7 (How Do I Care For Myself When Negative Feelings Get in the Way?). It’s a great starting point for self-care: we call it CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) lite! Also, what about raising this approach with your therapist? Maybe the two of you can work through some strategies to help you settle your system when faced with complicated situations with your son, rather than just turning away from him?

I’m not pretending this is easy! We can all learn skills and strategies outside of activated moments. It’s much harder, but also key, to learn to use them when we are activated. For additional strategies and somatic skills, think about listening to our interview with Linda Aber on Coming up for Air.

Feeling grounded? Super. On to communication skills.

The second step is to start working on communication. Head to Module 4 (How do I Talk to My Loved One?) Remember that better communication skills and strategies are the foundation of CRAFT.

Also, incredibly important is something you raised in your question: boundaries. Learning how to set up boundaries is actually a part of self-care. But setting boundaries does not mean complete disconnection from a Loved One (LO). To start learning to use boundaries most constructively, I’d encourage you to explore Modules 5 and 6. They outline ways to create space for our LOs to start learning how to take care of themselves. Isn’t this really what we want as parents—healthy independence? Often, though, we’d advised to immediately cut off everything—all contact, all support—even though the numbers don’t show that working all that well. Instead, CRAFT gives us strategies to narrow our efforts down into baby steps. It’s an approach that takes into account the safety and sanity of both you and your LO.

Good boundaries: the CRAFT dos and don’ts

Here is a quick outline from Modules 5 & 6 that might help you get started creating those constructive, well-chosen boundaries:

1. Learn to identify the moments (either in person or during phone calls) when your son is drinking. If he is, find a way to end the call or exit the situation. Use your CRAFT communication skills to do so in a way that isn’t punishing him but leaves him dealing with the consequences of his drinking.

   Remember, too, that times of using/drinking include just before (preparing to use), when you are probably not going to be able to intervene; when they have already started using/drinking; and lastly, the hangover period afterward. As long as they are safe and your sanity is not at risk, step back. Allow them to feel and deal with those natural consequences. For example, if your son is at Grandad’s and safe, your intervention is not necessary, and might lead to sheltering him from consequences he ought to be left to deal with. On the other hand, if he’s out somewhere and can’t find his way home, you might want to send him an Uber and get him to safety, and then end the interaction.

2. If they have not been using/drinking, reward them: with conversation, words of encouragement, staying engaged. Maybe offer to spend time together. Such rewards are an important way to reinforce and encourage positive behavior.

3. Identify times when he is not drinking and invite him to engage in enjoyable activities for the both of you. Maybe go out for a cup of coffee or an ice cream. It doesn’t have to be anything that brings on fireworks. Just short, positive periods of time together. That’s it: no talk of problems or what’s going on. Just dropping by with a cup of coffee is enough.

   Are there activities he’s liked in the past that he’s not been doing lately? Is there something he enjoys that might turn his focus to something different for a time? Proposing positive activities during times non-use may not stop him from drinking later, but it does delay the start, and that’s been shown to reduce overall use.

You and your son’s story sound complex but, I’m also noticing some light shining through. You have a connection and a relationship with your LO that can become a positive force. You can become empowered with the skills and strategies to support both you and your LO on your journey to recover together.

I hope my response has been helpful, and I’m wishing the best for you and your son. Please keep us updated on your progress.

Laurie MacDougall