Laurie and Kayla discuss asking questions that create space for your loved one rather than hemming them in. We may have brilliant ideas about what someone should do, and want to share. The skills we need, however, are openness and a willingness to hear the other person and provide space and opportunity for them to process. Back up, don’t interrupt, and let your loved one talk without offering your feedback.
In March 2023, Allies in Recovery’s very own Kayla Solomon led a 90-minute ZOOM conversation with leaders of the East Bay chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) based in Sacramento, California. The result was a dynamic primer on the use of CRAFT, the Allies approach to building trust and connection with Loved Ones, and the vital role of listening and affirming when supporting a Loved One with mental health and/or substance use challenges. Click above to watch the recording.
Her husband is in early recovery, but he doesn’t want to share details with her. She’s nervous and struggling with trust due to his history of SUD and lying. She’s reluctant to let him come home, and unsure how to talk to him about it. Dominique weighs in with an idea of what to say based on the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach that we use at AlliesinRecovery.net.
His partner is trying to moderate her use of heroin and methamphetamine with no formal support. Her use consumes so much of his partner’s life that it’s hard to see her “moderation” as progress. But his loved one wants him to acknowledge how “well” she’s doing, and there hasn’t been room for more discussion. Read on for suggested strategies from AlliesinRecovery.net to engage his partner into treatment, using the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach.
Fortunately, CRAFT skills can help us avoid both extremes. Faith asks a basic, vital question — and one that Allies in Recovery writer Laurie MacDougall has been encountering quite a bit lately in her work with CRAFT support groups.
Substance Use Disorder can often involve volatile emotions on all sides. When family members use the CRAFT approach that we teach at AlliesinRecovery.net, it can help disentangle emotions from practicalities, leading to greater calm and more effective outcomes. This mom recently had an exchange with her son who is struggling with Substance Use Disorder (SUD), but held back from responding in fear it would end in a heated argument. So, she to turned to Allies for guidance. Read on for some pointers on how best to communicate with a loved one in active addiction using the CRAFT approach.
How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.
Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.
Member Barbars has a grown son who struggles with alcohol. The great news is that he wants to change, and she is there for him. Allies writer Laurie MacDougall has some strong advice: invest in CRAFT skills and knowledge right away.
Her daughter is involved with a man who may be sabotaging her efforts to stop using substances. But she’s expressed some readiness to get help, and mom wants to support her in any way that she can. Mom’s working on ignoring the bad-news boyfriend while setting up guidelines for her return home. She needs guidance on the details…Allies in Recovery weighs in with some CRAFT-based tips.
When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.
How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.
One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members as been artfully following the CRAFT principles and yet her loved one is not showing signs of improvement. Engaging in extreme behavior, barely ever sleeping, misusing his ADHD medication, lying, and now, stealing… Is it all on the addiction or could her partner suffer from an underlying, undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition?
CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.
A mom wrote in asking for guidance on whether she should offer to reward her son for attending addiction recovery group meetings. However, she is unsure if she’s implementing the CRAFT concept of “rewards” correctly. Laurie MacDougall, an Allies in Recovery virtual program trainer – who herself has a loved one with SUD – explains the important differences between bribes, incentives, and positive reinforcement. Laurie advises steering away from the first two and sticking with positive reinforcement instead.
Rengal’s son is struggling with alcohol use, and this has led to some difficult encounters. She naturally wants to act in hopes of making things better. But as Allies writer Laurie MacDougall explains, sometimes the first challenge we face with our Loved Ones is not to make things worse. Not reacting, not confronting: these can be positive, powerful early steps. CRAFT skills can help us take them.
Her long-time partner added a new drug to the usual mix of cannabis and alcohol: now he’s got a prescription for ADHD meds and is blowing through a month’s supply in 5 days. He blames all his negative behaviors on his underlying depression. How can she be helpful to her partner, without playing into his victim mentality? She feels like she might want to give up on his recovery and ask him to move out…but we have some great CRAFT-informed tips for strategies she can try first.
When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.
Her loved one has been abstinent from substance use for weeks. With steady recovery inputs, including a medication, he is doing better. However, he recently adopted a deeply confrontational stance and has shifted to some alternative addictive behaviors. Our AlliesinRecovery.net member, feeling hurt and lost, wonders how to address these new challenges. Laurie MacDougall uses some examples from her son’s recovery journey to help paint a picture of more successful interactions that can let some of the tension out of the situation. Read this blog post for some CRAFT-informed ways to handle triggers, boundaries, and power struggles.
A recurrence never occurs for one reason alone. It’s rare that words of love are to blame. Yet as linsachacko31 recently discovered, even words meant to celebrate a Loved One’s accomplishments can be taken in a way we don’t intend. Laurie MacDougall reflects how easily this can happen, and some simple ways we can change our approach to those vital, if challenging, moments of connection.
When you are trying your best to work with a family member in recovery from Substance Use Disorder (SUD), it can be frightening and disappointing to discover they are using again. What to do? One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members wrote in about her son having a recurrence of use, and she wonders whether she should confront him or not. She feels she can’t bear the emotional rollercoaster of her son’s recovery journey. We weigh in with some reminders from the CRAFT approach about how to manage her own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. We suggest she stay the course and not confront him – at least not yet.
When we share a home with a Loved One enduring substance use disorder, money is a challenge more often than not. Financial planning often takes a back seat to other issues, at least until the next bill is due. While we can’t do our Loved Ones’ learning for them, we can encourage that learning. Solid CRAFT communication skills can lead the way.
Jbernard116’s made an impressive start in applying CRAFT to this challenging situation. Unfortunately, the boundary she set didn’t immediately yield the behavior change she hopes for—and she even worries that it could have prompted her fiancé to drink even more heavily. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall responds with a careful review of CRAFT-informed options and strategies. Boundaries, she reminds us crucially, determine our behavior—not our Loved One’s.
A mom is worried about her son who is struggling in his recovery house setting. The family has been practicing CRAFT when engaging with him, in hopes of continuing to steer him towards recovery, but still feel this is a dangerous time for him. They would like to make their continued help with the rent contingent on some sort of counseling if he’s not using, or detox if he is. Or let the consequences happen…
Have you ever looked back on a particularly stressful time in your life and wished you’d known a few things ahead of the struggle? Or maybe you were offered some “heads up” advice when enduring a hard time and found that the advice you received drastically empowered you through the situation. This blog shares some helpful tips for parents and other family members who are new to facing the crisis of addiction, alcoholism or Substance Use Disorder (referred to as “SUD”) with a loved one.
This mom has been able to successfully use CRAFT principles to shepherd her son into treatment and to support him during early recovery. However, her son’s lack of gratitude is beginning to feel unbearable. AlliesinRecovery.net Director Dominique Simon-Levine weighs in with a reminder to practice communications skills, and to take care of yourself – all part of the CRAFT curriculum at Allies.
An AlliesinRecovery.net member is concerned her son might relapse at home after responding well to treatment. Not seeing any efforts on his part to go back to a healthy routine, she is getting resentful. She even wonders if she should ask him to move out. Dominique Simon-Levine has some CRAFT-informed suggestions for her to try first.
When it comes to their son’s involvement with drugs, Lovingmom11 and her husband are clear about where their boundaries are. Their son, regrettably, is crossing that line. Although he has taken some positive steps—including seven months of drug treatment—he is still using pot, and has returned to selling it. Now his parents are considering an ultimatum: stop selling or move out. Allies writer Laurie MacDougall makes a case for pressing the pause button. Taking the time to apply CRAFT skills with a Loved One can build the relationship and make positive change far more likely.
How do you communicate when you see problematic behavior? The key is intention: observing behavior, and pointing it out calmly and thoughtfully. The idea is to briefly and specifically tell your loved one how the behavior impacts you, then step back without expectation of an outcome, and give them the dignity of processing what you’ve said. Over time, this CRAFT tool can lead to long-term change.
An AlliesinRecovery.net member asks us for guidance about when, and especially how, to raise the subject of her son’s substance use. Allies Director Dominique Simon-Levine reviews the key question to ask first—Is my Loved One using now?—and how using the CRAFT approach can help you answer it and take the next steps.
How do you communicate when you see problematic behavior? The key is intention: observing behavior, and pointing it out calmly and thoughtfully. The idea is to briefly and specifically tell your loved one how the behavior impacts you, then step back without expectation of an outcome, and give them the dignity of processing what you’ve said. Over time, this CRAFT tool can lead to long-term change.
An AlliesinRecovery.net member has written in for help surrounding how to communicate effectively with her son. Specifically, she wants to talk to him about getting some help with his mental health issues that exist concurrently and unquestionably challenge his substance misuse and recovery as a whole. Watching their loved one spiral downward is making the entire family feel distraught, and mom speaks of feeling like she’s “dying inside.” We answer with some CRAFT-informed ideas – with a 60-70% success rate at shepherding a loved one into treatment – to help her approach this tricky issue.
Kayla and Laurie discuss short-term vs. long-term change — start by working on one change in yourself rather than in your loved one, like focusing on your thought process, choosing to trust and step back, giving your loved one the chance to make decisions. This gives both of you the tools for slower, but more effective long-term change — think of erosion, not a tsunami.
An AlliesinRecovery.net member is torn between wanting to provide a safe space for her son to use substances, and her fear of losing her lease and social work license. She’s also conflicted about the boundaries she has tried to lay down, and fears pushing her son too far away if she’s strict with removing rewards and enforcing boundaries.
Your Loved One’s journey is in their hands. But CRAFT skills can make your vital support most effective. Renee’s son has been struggling with substance use for 15 years. He’s fighting hard for his own recovery, and that includes rebuilding his career. But lately, he appears to be slipping. For his parents, and for Allies writer Laurie MacDougall, this is something of an alarm bell. The good news is that Renee’s there to support him—and reaching out to Allies for the skills and support to do so.
Laurie and Kayla discuss asking questions that create space for your loved one rather than hemming them in. We may have brilliant ideas about what someone should do, and want to share. The skills we need, however, are openness and a willingness to hear the other person and provide space and opportunity for them to process. Back up, don’t interrupt, and let your loved one talk without offering your feedback.
An Alliesinrecovery.net member worries about her son who is 1,500 miles away, since his binge drinking continues to be a regular reality. She asks if working on her own patience is the only thing she can do now. We have a lot of suggestions for her. She can absolutely still use the CRAFT approach, and there is also the whole world of online recovery options to reference.
Nohp’s husband of 48 years is struggling with heavy alcohol use. Recently his behavior has become more alarming, and even violent. Now she’s staying outside their home, and wondering if that violence means the CRAFT approach isn’t right for their circumstances. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine thinks it probably is. While underscoring that no one can decide for her, she advises Nohp to explore the skills training and support resources offered through Allies in Recovery. Quite simply, they work, and have a track record to prove it.
Words matter so much — both the ones we speak or write, and the one we choose not to. Fletcher921’s daughter uses meth and opioids, and was recently suspended from her job. She showed her mother the suspension letter from her employer — an act of real trust. Her mother put effort and heart into her reply, but wants to do even better next time. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall reflects on how CRAFT could help in this effort, and the possible benefits for daughter and mother alike.
If we focus on what’s ours to control, change is possible all the same. CRAFT skills can help you get there. Elaine’s son is back in the hospital, in a routine that’s become all too familiar to his parents. They’ve tried to help in many ways, but the health crises and the drug use that leads to them don’t seem to be changing, and Elaine’s begun to doubt they ever will. Laurie MacDougall gently challenges this idea. While a Loved One’s life isn’t ours to change, our own words, feelings, and behavior are. Allies in Recovery is committed to helping us learn to take control of these, and thereby give our Loved Ones the most effective support we can.
There’s nothing simple about such a question. But here are some pointers in the search for answers. Whits wants children and loves her partner. But is she prepared to raise children with someone who’s progress with his SUD is uncertain? No one, of course, can answer that for her. But if there is a way forward together, it will require compassionate communication, as well as boundaries and self-care. That’s where the CRAFT approach can be so powerfully helpful.
On this episode of our podcast “Coming Up for Air”, hosts Laurie MacDougall, Dominique Simon-Levine and Kayla Solomon talk about unsolicited advice. It’s smart to avoid giving unsolicited advice. If you receive it, hold your ground, knowing that you’re dedicated to upholding the CRAFT model. Consider telling the advice-giver to look into CRAFT to understand what you’re doing.
An Allies in Recovery member wrote in to our “Pose a Question” blog seeking guidance for handling her loved one’s upcoming release from detox. She’d like to help his parents implement CRAFT, but they aren’t in agreement about the approach. Can they come up with a neutral plan that everyone agrees on?
An Alliesinrecovery.net member and family were on the verge of doing a classic intervention on their grown son whose drinking and weed smoking were wreaking havoc across the entire family. Then they discovered Allies in Recovery and CRAFT. Excited about acquiring this new skill set, the family remains nervous about how to best leverage the approach, knowing that they’ve never talked openly as a family about the substance use, the conflict, or their own concerns. Where do they begin?
An Allies in Recovery member is encountering difficulties with removing rewards and holding boundaries. They’re asking their loved one to leave when he’s drinking, but he simply refuses! In this post, we offer a little refresher on rewards – when to use them, and what kinds – as part of the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach that we teach you on our website.
A Loved One has started using methamphetamine again but is getting therapy for depression. Should our member wait to see if therapy helps, if he exhibits “change talk – or can she be even more proactive? In this post we examine the particular relationship between depression, anxiety and methamphetamine. We also look at treatment options for methamphetamine users.
Social anxiety is way more than shyness. Many cases of SAD involve substances as well as depression. Self-medicating can appear to help but may also be an illusion. Where to start?
An Allies in Recovery member wrote in with this bittersweet account. She shares with us her daughter’s words and feelings, confirming that she clearly felt Mom’s love, respect and support… even when Mom felt she might be holding too tightly to her boundaries and thus damaging their bond. The bitter note is that her daughter recently returned to the drugs and to the bad-boy boyfriend, also an opiate user. If you’d like to read some compelling proof that CRAFT is working, even when you’re not sure it is, read on…
Taking care of yourself is also incredibly positive, given how difficult it is when you’re in the midst of chaos.
Language: a powerful and effective tool for changing widespread stigma towards Substance Use Disorder. Stigma is absolutely rampant in the world of addiction.
Our Allies member has finally found the strength to seek help for herself, too.
It takes greater strength to process your feelings than to pretend everything is fine.
With her son living far away from her, she finds it difficult to tell whether he has been using or not when they do get to talk.
An Allies member fears her daughter’s return from court-mandated treatment. It has never gone well in the past. How can she handle things differently this time? What can be put in place now, before her daughter is even released?
An Allies member and his wife wrote in looking for guidance on improving the situation with their son who is living at home for now. He becomes belligerent when his parents bring up more treatment. The parents are fed up with the roller coaster.
It is indeed hard to separate “use” from “non-use” in your Loved One when you don’t spend much time with them or when they appear to be always high. CRAFT skills help to gain clarity with your loved one’s pattern of use.
Understanding what denial is and how it functions in addiction is one key to opening the door of recovery.
An Allies member has watched her daughter have both her babies taken away because of addiction. She and her ex-husband are ready to adopt a new approach to communicating with their daughter, to rebuild a bridge and better support her. And what of the children? Should grandma step in and seek custody?
How does one begin when three substances are involved? CRAFT-informed observation and communication, with a focus on the most dangerous substance first, offers a way.
Allowing a Loved One back into the home is a very personal decision; one that you must be able to live with. CRAFT emphasizes personal safety, both yours and theirs. It is important to weigh the pros and cons of your decision and be clear about your boundaries and expectations.
Although you have already given so much, you want to find a way to positively reinforce your son’s effort at staying in treatment. The decision is up to you – so it is important to weigh out the risks and benefits when considering rewards. Allies in Recovery recommends you use a simple decision-making structure to help guide you.
She’s showing up for her brother all the time. Trouble is, he only seems to want her around when he’s drinking. When he’s sober, he avoids her and shuts himself away. What other kinds of rewards can she offer? Are there creative new ways to offer him support?
So you’re mad or hurt or feeling hopeless? To be effective at helping your addicted family member, you must first get a handle on your negative feelings and learn to take extra good care of yourself.
One of the most painful and confusing situations for a family dealing with an adult loved one’s drug or alcohol addiction is wondering if you should ask them to leave.
These parents are reeling in the wake of realizing their teenaged daughter is experimenting with all sorts of substances. It feels tempting to monitor/control her use somehow. And what about messaging her (using) friends? Is this a bad move?
She knows her son needs help, but he often disappears for long stretches of time right after he starts opening up to her. Read on for Dominique Simon-Levine’s insights as she lays out some important considerations for this situation.
She’s fed up with her son’s patterns of non-communication. Whenever his use is addressed, he withdraws and shuts off communication. When he does reach out, it always seems to be on his terms. How do you take the wheel when it feels like your loved one is used to calling all the shots?
Relationships can be gradually worn down and eventually ruined with such fundamental and ongoing disagreements. Addiction is a lifelong affliction. As a family you will fare better if you can find agreement on how to move forward.
There is a difference between someone who is not aware of the effects and dangers of what they are doing, and someone who is. This high-functioning daughter secretly struggles with bulimia and alcohol, refusing all treatment. Mom wonders about striking a deal: treatment in exchange for co-signing on a house.
This dad is beyond frustrated and fed up. His 38 year-old son is married with a child but is living with his parents. After three months sober he’s relapsed but won’t consider treatment. Dad no longer wants to support his son.
Her daughter sleeps all day and uses at night. Is home becoming a place which enables her daughter’s use? Should she kick her out? What does CRAFT say about home as a reward?
A son in early recovery would like his car back but his mother worries that this may trigger a relapse. She wants to help him but is worn out and worried. She has seen his early sobriety before and feels he is less motivated this time.
What if, in a moment of conflict, you were able to pause and recall some positive trait you appreciate about your loved one? How well are you able to separate the illness of addiction from the person you love?
When someone has broken your trust, it will take time to build back up to complete trust again, perhaps years. So take it slowly, give it time.
The family drug court is granting this mother in recovery more access to her child. But the grandparents, who are raising their granddaughter, are concerned that their daughter is not ready. How can they support their daughter when they themselves are unsure of her ability to return to parenting?
A mother is trying her best to maintain communication with her addicted son, but he is being verbally abusive. He is bullying to extract money from her. This has created a situation that is escalating beyond what she can handle.
Setting healthy boundaries and confidently following through with them is not easy and requires reflection, work and practice. But it is a strategy that provides support during the difficult times, especially when addiction is present.
Old boyfriends, street corners, and bar stools are everywhere in sobriety. As long as your loved one continues to prioritize their recovery, trust that they will walk on by.
Why is it that setting and maintaining boundaries is so difficult to do? Nowhere does this breakdown become more apparent than when we are confronted with life’s difficulties, feeling lost in chaos and despair. This is a time when we are most in need of these self-preserving strategies and yet, our limit-setting abilities are likely at their weakest.
Using positive communication while disengaging with a loved one is a softer, more neutral way of letting them know that things aren’t okay. It’s not going to turn things around right away, but it will keep things calmer.
On this week’s Coming Up for Air podcast, Annie and Laurie talk with Annie’s son Elliot, whose opiate dependency and recovery is detailed in Annie’s book “Unhooked.” Elliot opens up with an honest, raw perspective of where a son or daughter’s mind might be while in active addiction, what would have helped from his point of view, what to not take personally as the parent of someone struggling deep in substance use disorder. He also tells us what life looks like for someone in their 20’s pursuing sobriety yet wanting a fun, active lifestyle.
When an addicted loved one is exhibiting increasingly alarming behavior, first of all, don’t take it personally. Remember, it is not directed at you. This, unfortunately, the face of addiction.
This week Annie and Laurie invite Laurie’s husband Trevor and Annie’s ex-husband Elliot Sr. to discuss what it means to “be on the same page” during a crisis and when making decisions. The conversation touches on blended families, exposing siblings to potentially dangerous behaviors, intrusions from others, being in agreement even though divorced.
It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.
Vitriol can be described as a solution-less rant of hate-filled criticism. A brand of sulfuric acid was named Vitriol, reason being that the acid was strong enough to burn through anything, including steel and rock. Another permanent boundary I now have: I will not remain in the presence of vitriol.
How do you keep from encouraging further drug use by raising the bottom and protecting your loved one from overdose? How as a family member do you live with the dangers your loved one is facing, day in and day out? How do you avoid depleting your energy and becoming obsessed with the circumstances of your loved one’s life?
It’s been said that for every one person struggling with addiction, there are at least 15 people affected. The effects are painful and relentless for those of us left in the wake.
It is critical that you, as your addicted loved one’s ally, understand that you can’t create motivation. And it is equally critical that you know there is something you can do!
Patricia Lincourt has worked with people struggling with substance abuse for 20+ years. She says that most of them defy the stereotypes we typically have. I thought I’d give you the bullet version.
What a relief when a loved one agrees to go into treatment. But right behind this relief there may follow several nagging thoughts: What’s next? What if it doesn’t work? Please don’t let him come home……
Modeling the behavior we are looking for in our loved one is effective, and a key element of CRAFT. It may make sense to avoid drinking, if you are trying to help your loved one get sober.
When your loved one is abusing alcohol or drugs, engaging in dangerous activities, or making life decisions you dislike, the natural impulse is to try and change your loved one’s behavior…. But as Allies in Recovery’s online program teaches, you cannot change other people. You can only change yourself.
When your addicted loved one also struggles with mental health issues and a history of trauma, there are specific types of treatment to consider. Dominique Simon-Levine responds to an Allies in Recovery member’s questions and explores treatment options as well as how to implement CRAFT with his loved one.
Your Monday evening dinners are a great example of setting the stage for “coaxing the little scared animal out of the woods.” The hard part with this coaxing, and as you describe with that dinner, is this overwhelming urge as a parent to force your way into the woods, by getting heavy and asking your son about his hidden life.
Having a loved one who struggles with addiction is one of the best ways to attract advice from all directions. Who do you listen to? Who do you ignore? Dominique Simon-Levine sheds some light on this sometimes tricky situation.
The idea of changing our whole mindset can seem daunting. Yet as the family of an addicted loved one, there are some basic, and fundamental shifts you can make. It doesn’t mean turning your whole life upside down.
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In your comments, please show respect for each other and do not give advice. Please consider that your choice of words has the power to reduce stigma and change opinions (ie, "person struggling with substance use" vs. "addict", "use" vs. "abuse"...)