I Want to Be a Helpful Influence but I’m Too Depressed
"I am struggling with doing the "right" thing. In the last two months I have had three days at a clinic for three hours of infusions of Inflectra to suppress my immune system, and three days last week of hospital visits for iron infusions. My husband has driven me to every appointment and picked me up afterwards. (I don't even know why I'm mentioning this… perhaps feeling sorry for myself). It was our thirtieth wedding anniversary last week and my loved one had just one beer. I was disappointed on our anniversary and he said sorry many times. Later he said that he was sorry I was upset on our special occasion. The next day he had a beer and told me (instead of hiding it) and I accepted that. He has had just one beer every day since. Last year when he quit, I had asked him to sleep in the spare room every time he drank anything. He was sober for so many months and it really was a wonderful relief for me. Our relationship had never been better. He seems quite happy with himself for having just one beer a day this week. I don't like the unpredictability and the lack of trust I have now. Two days ago I told him I felt insecure because I don't trust him, and he said I was overreacting. […]" Read the full comment here.
Thanks so very much for updating us and posing these questions. Your husband has gone from years of 20-beers-a-day to total abstinence to now, a beer a day. You're (understandably) unsure about his being able to "moderate" successfully, and you are finding that your moods are following his ups and downs, not to mention your exhaustion with what you're trying to do.
There is a lot in your comment. One thing I hear is the pain and emotional roller-coaster for you related to your expectations (based on past "using" behaviors, but also based on his period of abstinence during which your relationship began to blossom again).
You want to get ahold of your emotions and be less upset? Let's look at expectations
One way to protect yourself — or as you say, "moderate" your emotions — is to get ahold of the expectations. We are taught to harness ourselves to all sorts of expectations in this life, but various spiritual teachings (the Buddhists look at this a lot) point out that being attached to expectations is a sure recipe for disappointment, and suffering. Interestingly, your expectation (for example, that on your 30th anniversary he wouldn't drink and it would be a special time) ends up hurting you but also putting a certain pressure on your husband that may or may not be helpful.
CRAFT would have us come back to the starting block not just each day but at each interaction, each day. We keep our expectations in check so they don't mislead us or cause us to ride too high or too low depending on our Loved One's behaviors. We do our best (as the imperfect humans we are) to release our own desires and expectations of where we would like our Loved One to be today, which helps us see more clearly where they actually are today.
Yes, it would have been fabulous if on your anniversary he could have taken the true measure of the importance of it all and acted accordingly. Yes, it would have been fabulous if he hadn't started to slowly add in a beer here, a beer there, after all the progress he made in treatment. And yes, there are so many other fabulous things you could be dreaming about … but, with CRAFT you will be the most effective ally if you are moving out of the "dreaming" sphere and into a more objective, researcher/empiricist role. They're using? You move back. They're not using? You come in closer.
You write about unpredictability and feeling a lack of trust. Yes, for sure. There's nothing very predictable about recovery other than that it's unpredictable… or in other words, predictably wobbly. The cycle of recovery (see image below) clearly illustrates that relapse, and experiments, successes and failures, are all a normal part of climbing out. It's very rare for a person to become abstinent and never look back. As for the trust, yes. So many of the families on this site can relate. It must be built back slowly, gradually. Tiny steps. Make sure to reward each and every miniscule moment where he is respecting your need to know and other needs. Where he is being trustworthy. Tell him how much those efforts mean to you. And use your journal or other means of expression to work through the pain that you still feel at having had your trust violated over and over by someone who vowed to be true to you.
And speaking of using, it may be time to readjust the dial: One beer = No use
I wonder if you might try reframing “The One Beer” experiment as success in moderating. (Even if you and I don’t really think he can keep it up, given the extent of his previous drinking.) In this case study, the wife put 1-2 drinks in the “non-use” bucket; if her husband had any more than two drinks, she would follow the "disengaging" steps from Learning Module 6 (My Loved One Is Using Right Now, Now What?). Back and forth she went. For more on the question of moderation, see the topic: Moderating on our blogs.
You’ve done so much good CRAFT work and reading through your past comments, I see a lot of forward motion in your family. You have some physical circumstances that make you a little more fragile. You are tired. You feel disrespect, even some arrogance coming from your husband. He is kidding himself about the beer(s). That doesn’t make for an authentic connected exchange. Your health can’t take these dips. You are tired.
Your husband has a ways to go. Can you step away just a little emotionally and let him flounder. Let him be a little crass. He's tickled by this one-beer experiment, he's focused on the beer for now. Practice not taking it personally.
One little detail: you mentioned having asked him to sleep in the spare room in the past when he drank. This could be tweaked a little if you feel it keeps the "using" a little too present in your exchanges. If he gets the "rule" and knows to go there if he's had a drink, then fine. But if it's up to you to monitor and comment, try flipping things around and you setting up in the spare room if/when he's been drinking. The less you say, the more subtle and clear you are, the better!
As you let him flounder a bit, turn your attention to your own needs
Turn your attention to your own needs, consider using your Private Journal to make a list: once you're clear on what they are, see which ones you can reasonably meet yourself. The ones that require another human being, maybe you decide to reach out to whomever you can for those. Whether it's a good friend who won't judge and who's really good at listening, or someone who will give you virtual hugs and tell you how great you are and how much they love you… We all need these things. Your husband may be heading in the direction of being able to meet some of your needs again soon but in the meantime, keep it real and get what you need elsewhere. At the same time, it will take the pressure off him, which can only help with the work he needs to do on himself.
So put the 1 beer into the “non-use” bucket and see if you can put aside that beer and enjoy the evening. He opens the second beer and you've got somewhere else you need to be.
Love and care for yourself as your husband tries to moderate. Neither of you wants to see him back to 20 beers a day. Please remember this. He is likely to get drunk one day soon. You need to be ready for this. Don't lose too much sleep over whether you're being a helpful influence. If you're exhausted and overwhelmed, you won't be. Bringing your focus back to you is a perfect way to begin. That in itself will be a helpful influence, we assure you.
Our very best wishes to you. Thank you for writing in. What a maze this is.
I found this web site this summer. My loved one is my son who has been in and out of recovery for the last 20 years – with many periods of sobriety that I have been grateful for. I re-read the section on what to do if my loved one is currently using. I’ve been good about not doing the financial support for the last couple of years. I’ve avoided negative talk for a long time. When he agreed to move away from a destructive situation and maintain sobriety almost 3 years ago, I helped bail him out of debt. It was a way he could let go of his past. Since that time, I do not offer to help financially. I suspect there are struggles, but I choose not to try to find out about the financial struggles. However, in the last year, he has relapsed, and it got bad for awhile last spring while he was not working due to COVID-19. I am visiting him now (normally live about 2000 miles away), and I realize that I do the “I love you” whether he is drinking or not. It’s hard not to do that. He’s been doing “controlled drinking” since he’s been back to work – still not good, but on the other hand he has generally been pleasant and easy to be with. It’s hard to withdraw as I stay in our house next door to him, and am here for 2 weeks, and want to see him. In the past he’s done change talk, but it’s not happening right now as things are “under control” in his mind. He’s back at work after being at home due to COVID (employees didn’t go into work for several months). I’m using the Internet in his home right now, and as I looked for a pen, there was a paper next to the pen. It was folded, and I looked at it. It was a consent form for the outpatient clinic I’m hoping he’ll try while he works. I’m trying to figure out how to bring it up if he doesn’t do any change talk. I’m wondering about asking him how he is feeling about his drinking right now. The addictions also include food and cigarettes, but I know to focus on the drinking right now.
You are visiting your son, who is working to control his drinking after 20 years of problem drinking, interspersed with many periods of sobriety.
You are choosing to focus on the drinking for now, which feels the most urgent. You have some time left with him and want to know what more you can do.
Your Loved One started to drink more when his job sent him home due to COVID. He is back at work now and trying to control his drinking. Being home without any structure, like that which a job can offer, is tough. He is, thankfully, back at work now, but with this added level of drinking. You are concerned, and rightfully so.
Read my full response to thePheasant here: https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-im-not-hearing-any-change-talk-can-i-still-bring-u
I seem to overthink too much and it is causing me more stress than anything my Loved One is doing. At this time he is chatting with neighbours, we go for walks, he brings me coffee and tea every day, and is kind and considerate, and drinks once or twice a week, usually one or two beers? sometimes six. He says that alcohol does not have a hold of him like it did a few years ago. I can totally see this! And still, when he drinks, I get annoyed. I have even asked him if he could have a routine so I know what to expect or if he could warn me before he drinks. He responds in a positive but vague way, and it doesn’t happen. I think it could be the worst idea I could have to him, but I have held on to it, telling myself that this could help me feel less worried and angry when he drinks.
My situation with my loved one has improved so much since 2018. We spend quality time together, my children are adults and not affected when he drinks like they used to be, and his drinking is minimal. Most of the time I’m positive about it all, then there are times when he has a few drinks and my old thought patterns haunt me. I can clearly see, especially the next day, how my thoughts are tiring me. And I shake my head at myself the next day. I’m not the person I used to be. I have more boundaries, and take better care of myself. I do start conversations about drinking when he has a few drinks, and I regret it. every. single. time. I learned last year to stop this and I was in a much better place, and then there were months and weeks of sobriety. He is trying to drink occasionally and tells me that it doesn’t have a hold on him any more. This could be very true and he is so different this last year compared to thirty years of very heavy drinking before rehab. I don’t know why I get so upset. Things could continue to run smoothly, or he could fall back into old patterns. Either way, I know I can be fine. I’ve proven that I can live my life whatever he does, and I’ve come to peace with leaving him if I need to, several times over the last three years. It seems like I’m just not putting in the effort to calm myself, to put myself first, to stay in my hula hoop but to what end? My excuse is that I’m traumatized from the past. I don’t like even a tiny reminder of how I used to let him manipulate me or how he behaved in the past when he was drunk. It’s like I’m holding onto fear or I’m going too far in the name of “self -care” and turning it into self pity and hyper vigilance. I know I have an influence, and maybe I’m holding on to this knowledge too tightly. I really don’t want things to change to how they used to be. I seem more anxious about what could happen than what is actually happening. I am finding that following the principles of CRAFT is harder for me now than it was last year when he was drunk every day.
The feelings, thoughts, frustration and anger that are lodged inside you from watching your partner drink alcoholically for 30 years will likely never go away completely.
Your life together has improved substantially since 2018 when your partner went to treatment. He still drinks, but much less, and much less often. Still, when you see him having a beer, the thoughts and feelings well up. When you see him with that beer, you are thrown back in time, you feel shocked. There is no one to say this to, especially not him, so each time, you are left trying to talk yourself down. You are traumatized, you say so yourself.
Read my full comment here: https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-he-still-has-the-occasional-beer-and-i-still-freak
I wrote the last comment and questions only four days ago, and then earlier this morning I deleted them because I feel so different today. It truly is a maze and a rollercoaster! We had a good talk about four days ago, not coming to an agreement but discussing my despair and his thinking that does seem to be influenced by needing to drink just a little bit. He was sober for two days. Last night he had just one beer secretly. I truly believe that it was just one, but I am so damn sensitive, and to be honest the mouth wash at 5pm tips me off. So I was calm last night. Journaling has helped. I decided to say that “I prefer he sleep in the spare room” with the thought that I might want to look at this and that he can make that choice. Thank you so much for your comments… definitely on the same page… sometimes we just need guidance, this process can feel lonely. I really like the idea of putting 1 beer in the “non-use” bucket; I think I needed an outside influence / permission to figure this out today. So he did sleep in the spare room last night and throughout it all we have been pleasant with each other.
I do need constant reminders to take care of myself. I have been very tired this week from my infusions and I might start feeling better soon (I think today was even a turning point in my energy levels); I’m looking forward to going for a bike ride or walking my dogs again. I’m very grateful for the input.
I am struggling with doing the “right” thing. In the last two months I have had three days at a clinic for three hours of infusions of inflectra to suppress my immune system, and three days last week of hospital visits for iron infusions. My husband has driven me to every appointment and picked me up afterwards. (I don’t even know why I’m mentioning this… perhaps feeling sorry for myself). It was our thirtieth wedding anniversary last week and my loved one had just one beer. I was disappointed on our anniversary and he said sorry many times. Later he said that he was sorry I was upset on our special occasion. The next day he had a beer and told me (instead of hiding it) and I accepted that. He has had just one beer every day since. Last year when he quit, I had asked him to sleep in the spare room every time he drank anything. He was sober for so many months and it really was a wonderful relief for me. Our relationship had never been better. He seems quite happy with himself for having just one beer a day this week. I don’t like the unpredictability and the lack of trust I have now. Two days ago I told him I felt insecure because I don’t trust him, and he said I was over reacting.
We have been sleeping in the same room this week, I have been distant in the evening after he drinks, and we have been spending positive time together in the daytime. I do believe it is quite possible for some people (even my husband) to moderate their drinking, but there is an underlying disrespect for me, an arrogance, and I believe he is not in control of his drinking. I am tired. I feel like I did so much work last year. I was creating PIUS scripts, accepting him, and taking care of me. I don’t need another infusion now for 8 weeks, and then every 8 weeks after that. I hope to get stronger and more energetic. We hike together when I feel OK and we have talked about bike riding together. I also think that his stressful situation is improving and might be solved in the next few weeks. This, and my improved health, will help. You say: “He is likely to slip , because his history is so extensive. It’s doubtful that he’ll be successful at moderating.” This does give me hope, because if he slips, I do feel like he has the ability to abstain again, it’s happened many times since he quit last July. A part of me does think I’m over reacting. I just want to be a helpful influence, and to learn to moderate my emotions. I have felt utterly depressed this week, just in the evenings after I know he has had a drink.